160420 - Letter to self

Dear Self,

How doth you be?

People have been telling me you aren't real. And truthfully, I'm inclined to believe them -- sorry :/ But if you aren't real, who's that calling the shots behind my eyes? Who's that who wants to tell everyone everything? And while we are on the topic, who was the one who after five hours and counting, still couldn't decide to eat fish or tofu for dinner. The vegetarian or the Hemsley twins newbie follower? Who was that who...? Who, who, who? 

It's a short letter, to address you. 

As you pick off your delusions ickle by ickle, know that you will never be perfect -- and it's okay to keep trying. Take a stroll, tickle the mimosa, and enjoy the company. Then go on to be useful, to yourself and others. 

May you be happy and well. 

Yours,

Hui Min

Afterthought title: timeliness vs timelessness

Me at River Safari 

I began composing this post yesterday night. Now that I'm done I see jumping jumping and jumping, and words that were written as reactions to sensations to self-doubts about whether I'm getting something right. This is a post not fit for consumption, without metta, written for selfish gratification. I'm storing this post away as reminder. It's eaten into my time for 320 project, and it says something that I'd rather spend time on writing this post than work on problems. I think I believe in the importance of my writing and transparency too much. It's like what Cal Newport wrote. When you have a Twitter audience of 200+ you let yourself believe you're saying things that matter. It's not important. What you feel isn't important. It's what you contribute. 

I finished Deep work (Cal Newport, 2016) yesterday. Which says obsessors get things done, full-stop. IMHO there's an area I'm not intense enough, and that's in understanding the Buddha's teachings. In daily life, I talk about animals, I share photos, but I don't exchange enough on studying the Dhamma.

For goodness sake I am even embarrassed about saying food prayers at the dining table with my father. 

Being serious about something invites the inevitable questions: so? Are you going to make this a living? Are you trying to threaten me? 

Let's answer this upfront*: Enlightenment / Awakening / Sustainable happiness is everyone's business. I'm not vying to be your spiritual guide or one-up you in morality. I'm just practising, but I'm practising full-time. 

You'll only benefit if you take me with you**. 

*When checking if the word is outright or upright (changed it to upfront), I came across the Isha Foundation's online ad on the dictionary app I was using. I've been watching Sadhguru videos. Instant quandary aside (am I deviating???), you gotta admit, this guy's doing it really well isn't it? The use of YouTube and segmenting videos to capture our short attention spans with questions that we want urgent answers to. He even makes sporting an out-of-control beard looks good.

**i almost tremble at the presumptuous-ness of what I've written. But hey I believe in the quality of my hearttt ;)

--

Priorities

This morning I woke to great lethargy, having spent the night before exhausted but reluctant to sleep. I had spent the hour before sleep ruminating about a particular fear of the opposite sex. 

During breakfast I found about an interesting workshop. But if taken up, this activity would require 5days and have me gasping for breath in the coming week and possibly the weeks after. But it'd be good for my FYP, and actually related to my course. And, what is a bit of cramping?

I made a decision there and then to go right away. I changed, brushed my teeth and made an Uber booking on my first ride promo code. I congratulated myself on the slickness of it all.

Saturday is an untouchable day, reserved for erhu. I'd promised to turn up for erhu class today, but this was more important! I think I could do that erhu exam in the time left. So reaching the activity venue 

And then someone asked me, so, you went to such lengths to come here, what do you want to get out of this? And truth be told I'd forgotten. I'd remember my earlier ambition in a bit, 

And it's the way with everything in my life isn't it. Even this blog is an example. Of wanting to write succinctly, showing promise and then never quite delivering.

I go to great lengths to secure a certain future but don't go all the way at the right time because I don't know how to get support and because I naively believe 'the truth will surface'. And then I can't admit/express the lengths I went because I can't feel my own pain and then I suffer after from the trauma of the unexpressed. 

Because, really, only I know how hard I cried/cry and how much I tried. You will tell me that I don't have situational awareness but you, of all people, should admit that you would rather see that I have. I wish you'd told me earlier that I could 'do everything'. Why did you have to keep something like that to yourself? You knew I wanted your attention but was certain/afraid I'd abuse it. And so I tried to tell you in different ways: I'm not the person they (from everywhere) says I am. You were afraid (and possibly still afraid) that I'll implicate you intentionally, (and so you chose to be hard/hearted rather be than be honest). This isn't the tell-it-all that you feared; I don't know enough about you. Of course this is going to hurt your feelings at some point. And when it does I'm going to be the one blamed. But I took this into account too back when I chose you. But you can't see that. You literally can't believe how smart I am. 

--

Rant

I'm sorry I promised you things I didn't have the guts to deliver.

And that's not all. 

I'm sorry that my last turn pretending to be a furry pet was also spent feeling sad for you.

I'm sorry I declared, before I knew what I was doing, that I wanted to sit forever with you. 

I had trust issues with every existing human and I'm sorry I kept you waiting while I took my time to trust you. 

Your woes become known to the second largest mouth in Nandai (the first place is taken already -- it's a revolving post). What did you think she was going to do with it?? I'm sorry I allowed my professional role model to be stupid. 

Why do you persist in a cycle of half-knowing, acting/not-acting, then regretting when a fuller story appears? Why does it seem as if everyone knows what you think of me, and everyone has a say, everyone except me...?

......

On an entirely separate note, I hope Auntie's feeling comfortable.

It's possible your perverse preference for pleasure mixed with pain finds this a turn-on and I melt under your smile the next time we meet. It's also possible you grow utterly enraged or ignore me and I cry buckets. Or you could just shrug this off as a child's tantrum. 

*there are those who think my chattiness and well-wishing is out of character/insincere. Well, fuck them. They don't know me outside of this bubble. It doesn't matter. You on the other hand can have informants in and out of Nandai and still understand fuck. Why? Because you never ask me! And I don't know what you don't know

--

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bLBSoC_2IY8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 

This is my current favourite video. I want to be consumed like that and at the same time it's a sensation I'm afraid to seek out. I definitely want to be free like that. 

--

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qX2GsMj7154" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

At dinner today we got to talking. It started with the quarter-life crisis, and moved predictably into not knowing what to do with life, and how to possibly get to knowing it. I did more listening than talking -- not because silence is golden but because on some days the intensity of conversations just can't match my ego. With reference to the adage that asks what you'd change about your life and connects your reply to your deepest desires, I said near the end of the evening that I was happy with how I'd led my life in the past one, two years. I repeated this (with a similar level of smugness) to an ex-schoolmate on my way home. When I reached home I felt terrible. 

---------

Written the night before and unfinished, the above stemmed from a bout of self-loathing that almost went undetected. Luckily I woke this morning and recognised that I had had mixed feelings, as usual, and there wasn't a need to feel guilty over the 'bad' feelings. Sometimes in unravelling complex feelings, I have to grasp again and again at gossamer. By right this should make me thankful for when feelings are/become straightforward and undeniable. But by left those feelings that won't stay hidden seem to be the ones that must stay unexpressed.

--

Look how far we've come

我没有要求现状维持不变。如果未来就只有这一切看起来很unappetizing leh。

我要的stability不是原地踏步，而是心灵的稳重、踏实度。

换我来说：看啦！问不就知道？

--

tough enough to lean on

Back in Jan 2012 I read 7 habits of highly effective people for the first time. inspired by the book, I wrote the following mission statement, and committed to visiting it daily: 

I will not be arrogant
I will do as much as I can
I want to be someone people feel safe and inspired with. Safe, not dull. Safe to share ideas with, but not to diss with. Safe to begin thinking you can fly.
I will take special care to not manipulate people. I will lay my motives and intentions bare when asked, but not when I suspect I will be made use of. for this, I will give the widest berth. You will have one chance to bite me. I give that to you.
I will give credit where due.
I will defend those who are not around.
I will grow my knowledge of and participation in 'industry, commerce, and enterprise' because to do so is to honour and acknowledge those who have been in my life.

My stance on this statement did not stay static. I tired of its length, complained about its 'tend[ing] towards... servitude', and even expressed repulsion. I made my last edit in the 14th month and later moved on to other guiding systems.

I come to this point because a colleague tells me I am naive and ignorant of the trappings of this world. In the same space, another colleague agreed, and thought it was my upbringing that led to it. I struggled to express that being innocent is a choice. But 'nature/nurture?' is besides the point. 

Rereading my original mission statement from 2012 made me realise how important the statement is to me -- I still try to keep the deal today in 2015 even after I've stopped referring to the statement. Those are actions I care about taking. I watch for arrogance and intention and keep things neutral when talking about deeds. What gets to me is that I have not been living the lines in a way that is sustainable, that does not support myself or the people around me. I seem to have lived them in a kind of theoretical mode, without consideration for practical issues. 

And so I'd like to do no evil and be seen as strong for that. not weak. 

-----

I like you, all of you. The you I've met, the you's that existed before I stepped into the picture and the you's that will come to be. I wish my presence to give you freedom to be who you want to be, not pressure to be some souped-up superhuman tireless and incapable of error. Your stories I want to hear, not judge. 

突然间心静下来，突然间我也很想要稳定的职业阶梯，突然间脑海里浮出一个你拿着吉他的画面 头发帅帅的 你没戴眼镜 望着前面翘着头 眉间皱着 开口喊"哈什么？"  就是平常那可爱鬼模样。我的角度是侧面的

如果不来动物园 我应该永远就找不到你 

如果在外头见 我还会这样爱上你吗？

今天从陌生人得到的忠告是 喜欢一个人别想太多 不然…说真的我忘了不然什么。那就是我的特大毛病吧 聆听不了关于你的讯息

突然间我好像跑进你怀里。

--

sometimes

Sometimes I feel you are out of my reach. Sometimes I have faith you will be around come what may. Sometimes the switch between these two states takes place in an instant, and then sometimes I wake up in one delirious state, and end the day in the other delirious state.

Iotm (it occurs to me) now that it's okay; everything's gonna be fine. I'm ever more aware of my mood swings, and tiring of them. That must be when stability kicks in. 

--

Must be the hair

I got a hair cut. I wanted to look like Audrey Hepburn in this photo. 

The connection was spotty there, and I couldn't get this particular picture out, as it was further down the results page. So I describe it instead.

Me: I want a V-shaped, slanted fringe. 

Aunt: a v-shaped fringe will make you look weird. You will look like sun wukong.

I opt for slanted only. She starts cutting my fringe away, and it comes off different from what I had in mind.

Me: how can this be salvaged? 

Aunt: it cannot be salvaged. (pauses for a few seconds and resumes cutting my fringe.)

At work, 

Colleague: this isn't Audrey Hepburn. It is What Happened?!

On the LRT,

A young girl starts crying after I burst out laughing in front of her. 

On trust

I used to think having someone/something depend on me was a responsibility to escape from. Now I accept it as a privilege.

--

un/stuck

//[26NOV2019] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

i am stuck, with people and ideas/skills. When I looked out of the frosted glass door yesterday, I thought, there must be something missing. It'd surely be better if I could have you for real, if I travel forever, if I work harder and smarter, if I have more fun, if I stay long enough at a place, if I worry less, if my bank account never empties, if I have intense, heart-to-heart conversations with everyone I meet, if I express myself clearer...

I feel stuck, which maybe isn't a bad place to be in. The world is way bigger than I imagined, and the safety video playing ad infinitum doesn't tell the whole story. It was straightforward when I belonged somewhere: look to the ideal of the time and place, and you knew where you were destined before you set off. No kidding, it was straightforward. And stifling.

I'm not that stuck. I'm freer to move than I've ever been, with decisions and possessions. I can be anyone I want, and resolve contradictions the way I choose. 

no need to be jumpy about my own shadow.

天昏地暗

//[26NOV2019 0632hrs] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

突然之间 心又碎了几下 有谁可以告诉我 一切即将okay 只是现在 amygdala 太好动

on best friends

when I was younger I wanted a best friend more than anything. I read sweet valley, full house, animal ark, disney girls, stories where friends who grew up together got together to do stuff, just because. communication in those stories seemed painless, and if anything got too much to handle, the friends would band together against some drama-mama; friends always grokked each other, quirks and all. that's how it was on tv too, the tv I watched. you were either on the main lead's side or you weren't. information transfer and explanations didn't take more than one scene. and I think that's how I learned to treat reality. one-dimensional. i hoped and expected to be loved just like that, and was devastated when that didn't happen, but wasn't aware enough to know my emotions on it, or why my behaviour did not facilitate friend-making.

in primary three we took tests for the gifted programme. on the day of the maths test, I left early so I could visit my then-best friend's home. I remember that everything she and her family members said was side-splittingly funny, in a way that was foreign to me. in upper primary, we went to different classes, where she had another best friend. for some months the three of us exchanged letters to each other, addressing each other by our horoscope signs. I was quite proud of my sign-off signature (which if I recall right had been discussed with my tutor and neighbour/family friend I grew up taking overseas trips with) and I suspect maybe that the sign-off was what I looked forward to most each time I wrote. I got a new default friend too, and on teachers' contact times, we went on trips to the grass field, where I collected weed samples to match what I'd read in zooed, and enid blyton (cupid's shaving grass, lalang = dandelion, four leaf clovers).

I remember laughing with people, but as I grew, the intimacy and candour I craved were ever more out of reach (was it because my friends grew more than my 1D POV of them allowed?) until one day I realised I was tired of trying. I still couldn't see what was happening. or maybe I could but deep down inside didn't want friends. strangers were easy because I wasn't going to see them again. but there is always baggage to be dealt with for people you keep in your life. 

and then it was JB who told me she'd found a best friend herself. and a way to make friends: talk to different people about different things. that meant giving up the myth that there was a someone who could understand you, whenever, wherever.

and now, I don't know how this post ends. 

the German girl on Ubin (140430)

hey. i saw your effigy, that Barbie doll, in the yellow hut with multi-coloured flags from the roof. yesterday was your birthday, he said, but they'd been busy. your follower says you're now a deity who takes the form of a beautiful chofah and you use your wings to ward against black magic. that's mastery. near your altar are offerings of dolls, perfumes, the pink masses in toy stores. surely you must have grown in the last hundred years? next year, I'll return with something different -- but what could a god want?

Edit [26NOV2019] I visited this place again this year, and at the expense of / ate into the class coming up at the same time. There is something strange about emotions, expression and expectations, the connection of it all. I have been having the loopiest, and times*. I wish I could sit and be calm, and take it all in. Like one of those things you know, trusted content from someone who turns out to not have made a good decision at some point in time (like a whitelist which couldn't detect a failure, because, well, one of the screws in the cog or the the points actually failed herself/himself. A venerable once taught that Mara, is also a position. But, I dont know. Why go there at all? -- statements meant to be taken at a mixture of metaphorical and face value. The HTML editor screwed up a previous perfect sentence I was typing out an arrow/bracket and I've gotten kinda pissed/exasperated with typing. Moving on for now, until the sentence strikes again in its perfect entity, shape with a shiny glowing halo and wings. the point halfway thru, was that why go there at all has at least two meanings, both of which I mean, and one meaning which i don't mean -- why go there at all, in the sense that why do we have to go on to make the mistakes we make, or why do even approach Mara -- actually, I have forgotten the two very sensible non-partisan points i was making. Forget it. there. this is how you screw up a perfectly short, sweet, KISSable post with a backdrop of noises, and even this sounds like blame-pushing now.

*there's a track or something that sounds like a rooster's morning crow of sorts, and my legs have been having an swirly air feeling. There was a transportation of self to the memories of meditation or camps. Before that, there had been a translation of another sort. So. ya. 

**think the song 'Bad day' and Dido's 'Thank you'.

140228 Imitating Jesus and Socrates

In his systematic quest for moral perfection Benjamin Franklin chose 13 'necessary or desirable' virtues to live by for the rest of his life.  and concentrated on

I have been living by Franklin's 13 virtues for the past year. A virtue a week, and four cycles so far. 

I listed each flouting for all of five weeks before deciding that was too much administrative work to continue for the long-term. 

I have had to 

Why can't I be happy with who I am? I don't have a ready reply for those. You will find that better discussed elsewhere. 

131124

I've been reflecting on my film journey the past few days. why and how I got started, the recent decisions made, and the people past. It started from during A's when I sneaked out to catch Paprika. after that I was finally free to leave home on my own and sought places to go. I caught Singapore Dreaming, listened to soundtracks and got a ticketing job at a cinema, maybe not in that order. I worked on Red Dragonflies and watched White Days. I saw people edit their dreams in dark rooms, I saw assignments being compiled on screen. I read online. always, I feared myself. I see the chances I missed but I also accept why.

140209 who was I angsty about this time?

I can't handle people, you know?

I can't handle the stuff you say. I can't handle the stuff you don't say. 

I can't handle all the yesterdays you cradle to your womb and stab yourself with. I read it, but I'm paralysed. If I react, what would I say? I can't act quick enough to reassure you.

I can't handle the lies you insist on telling and then believing

140309

expired medicine
i intensely dislike going to the doctor's. i put off going until the ailment's unbearable. at the doctor's i freeze, grin by default and am almost always unable to remember my present discomfort. this means i can't explain why i am at the doctor's. which means the doctor gets annoyed and when i step out i end up feeling belittled and even more reluctant to visit the doctor
at the root of all these is the inability to recognize

may i have the wisdom to know the difference

Blogaday Day 12 (120918?)

Can we suspend time and live for ever as we do now?

I have overcome my stutter

I have found things I am good at without trying too hard (people seem genuinely taken aback when I sing)

I have finally understood the concept of priorities

Must. Get. It. Back. (090618)

For the first time in a month, I am slept before 3am.
Last night, I slept thru a succession of 6 alarms

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies (090309)

有些無聲話語只有尋夢的人彼此聼得到。 ——陳昇

I watched White Days on the night of my previous entry. In fact, I wrote the post as the Q&A was taking place. As noted by some people in the audience, I roared with laughter throughout much of the film, even when no one else so much as grinned. 

The synopsis is a thing of beauty. 

080520

woah weee wha-- womp whamp whack wooooooooooo what the hell, who cares??

Am typing this here, 'cos my way to Blogger's been blocked
('Nooooooooooooo...') on pc at home. Here's what appeared in black and
bold, 'Access to the requested URL has been blocked.' It says I can't
change the settings somewhere, but I really can't be bothered to. It's
not as if the computer I am using now is the only one which I have
access to. *Blows a big fat raspberry* You lose, Father!

I'll store this later piece in my super duper BIG Inbox, and we'll see
how many I can accumulate at the end the day. The New York Times is
the only 'person' I get mail from, so there's tons of space in here.

As we all know already, Prelims are starting in just TWO days time,
and as Mr Soh might say, 'How exciting!' Ms Tan is panicky about the
standard of our England essays, dear Jiang Li is obviously exasperated
and at her wits' end about how to deal with my Chinese (unfortunately,
so am I), Ms Yew's worried about our Mathematics, Ms Chia doesn't seem
very sure either, but Mdm Mak and Mdm Mak alone seems as calm as ever.
Exciting indeed. Nothing to be said about Ms Ong and Mr Soh, because I
can't really be bothered as yet with my two Sciences.

My, I've run out of things already to type about. There's something
about the keyboard that takes something out of writing.

Oh have I mentioned before that I am totally sick of Kai Ting??
She's been harping for so freaking long on my verbal usage of English
that I am so freaking SICK of it! And her!
Yesterday, before my turn during EL Oral. She struck again!!
'Hui Min, can you PLEASE stop speaking with an accent?'
As I was pissed and bored, I said,
'For your information, and I beg you remember it for life, (Well, I
didn't actually say that, but I wish I had)' I am not speaking with an
accent. I just happen to pronounce my word endings.'
It was utter rubbish of course, because everyone, including Mrs Foo
See Wee Ee Wah Lao Go And Die Lah speaks with an accent. Anything that
comes out of your mouth is accompanied by your accent. If you think
you speak without an accent, you probably can't speak in the first
place.
I sat back and waited for someone to point that glaring error out,
and, hopefully, provide some fodder for discussion, but no one did.
Disappointing. Even though I misled those listening, it was still
worth seeing KT stunned. I should really refrain from, or just stop
talking to her entirely, because I can't stop making fun of her. And
you know what's worse? I don't even know why I enjoy making fun of her
so much! I'd feel really guilty if I one day manage to goad someone
into crying. Even though, it'd be quite an accomplishment I am sure,
nobody deserves to be hurt emotionally.
So, I must get to the root of my sport. Knowing your own reaction to
something or someone sorta demystyfies and obviously makes sense of
your reaction. To use myself as an example, knowing what exactly it is
about a guy's features that makes you tick makes those guys you
thought were hot, just ordinary now. Suddenly, almost every male you
know and have seen before looks plain. Luckily or not, things don't
always work this way, and some people remain as much a mystery as
before. Or perhaps even more so, because they are a such a rare
exception, and you don't know why the view you hold of them may waver
and sway, but never change overall.

Guilessly,
Yours truly

140825

Remember this day. don't live in a daze any longer.

Maybe you are right

maybe you were right
maybe I ain't going to last
maybe I lie and blab
Maybe i don't care
Maybe i can be faster but don't want to
Maybe I'm an immature brat
Maybe i changed
maybe you got it wrong the last time,
but that's not what I'm interested in. What if
maybe you are right this time?

好像没重点的post

原来心意被接受时 immediately得到的不是 霸王夺城 欲望被满足的快活感
而是来自深处的痛。只能用"很痛很痛"来形容这份痛。好像是对方所有的痛终于/突然是你的了。成分不肯定是什么，只知道真的很痛。

最近学到 we relate easily to pain. or, pain is too easy a topic.

Maybe it's because our greatest writing genius was incapable of being funny that we have decided that being funny doesn't count. Which is tough on Wodehouse (as if he could have cared less) because his entire genius was for being funny, and being funny in such a sublime way as to put mere poetry in the shade. The precision with which he plays upon every aspect of a word's character simultaneously -- its meaning, timbre, rhythm, the range of its idiomatic connections and flavours, would make Keats whistle....
Shakespeare? Milton? Keats? How can I possibly mention the author of Pearls, Girls and Monty Bodkin and Pigs Have Wings in the same breath as these men? He's just not serious!
He doesn't need to be serious. He's better than that. He's up in the stratosphere of what the human mind can do, above tragedy and strenuous thought, where you will find Bach, Mozart, Einstein, Feynman and Louis Armstrong, in the realms of pure, creative playfulness.
-From the Introduction to Sunset at Blandings (Penguin Books)

-The Salmon of doubt, a collection of writings by Douglas Adams on life, the universe and everything

我要搞笑+不损人。一个人时也一样要发光。 At this moment, I am not suffering.

度量与胆量不是你说了算

哪一步走得忐忑 哪一手下的狠 不是由一个人 或一群人判定。
小伙伴、宝贝们别把这看得太仔细

这星期谈的是诚心

如果我有意戏弄、如果我狂妄自大 、如果怕我会变本，直接说吧。 心毛毛的认清了，尘埃也难累计。

情绪复杂，一言难尽，我应该会哭。没关系。everything will be fine. 

心放赤裸了我肯定会哭。也没关系。心理战术游戏我本来就玩不起。

现在哪里都还不想去。开始bonding不是要这样吗？你就让我在身边坐着吧，让我习惯你的气息 好吗？

[140701: 6月23日那天想法特别多没注意到。隔一天再念稿时就有惊愕到。 或许我要的一切就在指尖。]

...time unfreezes for Song-yi and Hwi-kyung. She senses strangeness, though, and wonders what just happened. She tells Hwi-kyung that up until a second ago she was going to give him a yes—that she was willing to call her fondness for him love and go with the easier path. It's what her parents would have wanted, and it would have been comfortable to accept Hwi-kyung's love (and his chaebol riches).  

"But I'm really sorry," she says. "In only a second my mind changed. I can't do that."

--You from another star Episode 7. recap by Dramabeans

只求一字：安。

In Genting
Watched _Battle of Wits_ last night and _Casino Royale_ this afternoon
Before today, I'd never watched a Bond film full length, would you believe it? My mother was adamant that no Bond film was appropriate for a children. And my brother in all of his eleven years gets to watch it. But no matter, he failed to understand the movie. No comments on that. Anyways, I shall read Ian Fleming's novels soon. 007 is quite a fellow.
In Daniel Craig's Casino Royale, James Bond starts off different, his tastes are not yet ? or refined!/defined/specialised. At the film's beginning, Bond has not achieved double O status.
or the film starts before Bond became 007. Nor has he become a womaniser. I liked this film alot.
I am trying to spell out the reasons why. The critics didn't like it, but I really did, I loved the Bond Craig played. Maybe because I love the British.
I loved it the way he was shown to be impossibly humane. He made mistakes and not just one or a handful, but he turned out fine didn't he?
_Battle of Wits_ and Casino Royale_ had their similarities. The main character's love interest in both stories died watery deaths. which I find scary. I think/suspect I am teeny weeny bit claustrophobic. Water closing in on me, And apparently you look awful too/die ugly too bodies that resurface are bloated and purplish.
Both main characters were smart and physically abled definitely! But while the Maozi (Maoist?) Liu ____ (he eventually became a pacifist and followed the school of thought he was born into, but not before unleashing one last torrent of terror which wasn't very humane actually, but definitely, for want of a better word, smart) turned to love, Bond grew ruthless I think, into the way he was originally, before he may [Vesper], but in a hardened way now. He was actually jealous while with []! He said, 'it's time you took off the necklace'. Both men were brilliant and the women that fell in love with them if not because of that then at least a bit of their adoration must be credited to that. They (more specifically, the Maoist) made me think again what consistently a genius. Not what makes one or the emotional strength or the heartware. But the hardware if you like. It's the cold hard brilliance/intelligence I adore. I am enamoured with talent. But I am afraid it's not healthy. Actually, am I? Perhaps I could adjust my 'meter' such that I fall head over heels for only the minds of rocket science abilities. I think this may not work. I believe wholeheartedly that everyone is a genius or are incredibly talented mentally. I really do. But they haven't found out. And I am scared that they will realise their powers one day. I am worried that the powers they exhibit will far exceed mine.

至所有的你

140601
要知道一个人生的旅程没有真正的起点。一个事件的后患是无止的。这个时刻有万数的缘串在一起。之前是这样。往后也会是这样。谁能看透？说能彻底解读未来的人都是骗你的。
虽然嘴边老挂着慈悲的理，我本来就不轻易相信人。 所以就别再自责了。

The sapience of greater freedom

Work accomplished = time spent * intensity

Of course. I subscribe to this formula wholesale. It's why standards are for chumps. (i can't tell people that. You don't get away with saying such stuff when you aren't an overachiever.)

But intensity is mercurial. Sometimes it comes easily and stays for long. Then it leaves one day without notice, taking all your shared memories and you wonder later if it was all a dream. I found this out in my first year of college when I couldn't wrap my mind around math concepts that'd fascinated me a year before, and got put on academic probation. I tried to recreate the conditions that'd led me to choose maths in the first place but it didn't work -- and I flunked out.

I've come to grudgingly accept that we are creatures of habit and the surest way to the Zone is rituals. So I've got all these little things I do to get myself functioning. I spend time tweaking this checklist. It's like aligning all the ferreromagnets in my head. But it's very possible to get lost in the rituals. That's when all the magnets spin wildly. At some point I remember with a start, in the middle of nowhere, what the todos were about and then start all over again aligning the magnets one by one.

From time to time I wonder if anyone lives as painstakingly as I do [140630: I blush when I read this now, 2.5 months later]. There are. It's the choice we make for greater freedom. And it need not be a burden. I think I am rediscovering that the key to sustained intensity is joy.

Feliciter Anon

Every post on Craigslist is heartwrenching. even the ones that scale higher up Maslow's triangle. okay. hierarchy.

These are my favourites from today's trawl:

I'll match you

tall(er than me). music? check. reads? check. funny? check. at home indoors and outdoors. swoon now. 

Pretenses DESTROYED

not just destroyed. DESTROYED okay. have I mentioned my intense feelings about the word 'like-minded'? overused from a pentatrillion months ago. I want to reply just to see who's behind this very familiar ego and style

A skill for a skill

brownie points for the endeavour. good boy. 

how wondrous it should be that this world gives me just what I ask for

chocolates to satiate

space to build an abode

conditions to test resolve

distortions to practice clarity

14 March. 15 March complete

Thoughts seep out of us in writing, in aether, in salt water. If you could see your own transparency and i could remember mine, would you posture?  Would i still hold back?

Things you already knew about me

1. I am not immune to flattery

2. My plans don't stick

3. I am fucking serious about being serious

4. I am deathly funny

5. I expect too much of you, but

6. I don't actually trust you 

Make it big

we'll help you make a movie
we'll help you make a business
we'll help you make music

we'll help you make a family
we'll help you make a corp
we'll help you make art

we'll help you make it big
we want you to make it big
we beg you to make it big

please please pretty please make it big

Welcome to the rest of your life

[This is the original emoting post]

人生际遇千百种 但愿知心常相守

In June I had a firmer grasp than usual of the nuances in human emotions. I saw and heard in twisted forms the yearning that underpins possibly all our interactions. At sight it's a wily creature turning up here and there. Smugness that turns into dismay, frustration with laughter added for deprecation, ...

my cousin once wrote that as she grew older, she came to the inevitable, heartbreaking (to my aunt) conclusion that even parents can be wrong. And that is the crazy balance to walk; keeping respect + healthy disrespect, and saying no. Unreservedly, but without revulsion --because the people closest to you don't know better. Steve Jobs warned about being 'trapped by dogma'. 

8 October 2012

Last Tues, I woke up hungry. Hunger disappeared and returned in full force.

I sat at the desk, ready to begin tying the loose ends. At nightfall, I'd completed nothing. A week later, it is the same. Almost. In reverse chronological order: 

• took a taxi once. because I couldn't abide by my schedule
• forced rewrote a bad superblock
• corrected vibrato
• bought a typewriter to produce namecards
• gained understanding about why my mind wanders and how to control it
• overcame a lifelong internal struggle on the ethics and rewards of looking good
• start and stopped on the structuring 
• took newfound pride in my handwriting

Blogaday Day 11 How to keep awake at your desk

In no order of effectiveness

• Munch on an apple
• Drink something icy
• Pop a candy
• Eavesdrop
• Take a power nap
• Hum to a tune
• Drum your fingers
• Tap your feet
• Thump the desk
• Get every passerby to strike your cubicle wall. preferably til the wall fabric tears

Blogaday Day 10

I've been waiting for this!

Blogaday Day 9

My intention today was to assure that i'd not mindlessly accomodated, nor cloned, and had checked back at suitable intervals and unyieldingly asked the necessary questions. I'm not sure if an iota of that went through.

Update: Ah bless that arrogant imp in me. I'd neglected the all-important question. Will you be worth my time?

Blogaday Day 8

I bit into a rotten apple today

Blogaday Day 6

I lost my toothbrush! It could be anywhere!

Blogaday Day 5

Deep breathing is so hard. Is it cos my belly has grown so big my diaphragm can't support it?

Blogaday Day 4

http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html

'Acros the generations, I see that people can't get enough of each other, if and only if they can have each other at a distance, in amounts they can control. I call it the Goldilocks effect: not too close, not too far, just right.'

Blogaday Day 3

Apr 2 13:07

I place great weight on a person's ability to separate opinion from fact. 

Let me ramble a bit on this. Imagine if you will me telling you , I saw a dog being killed. Without more information on the context, can you pass judgement of any sort? Yes, you may. From my emotions from my expression. from our shared history (chats, encounters, SHARED) you may have gleaned something about me. But let's remove that. remove all traces of me. let's say this was over that chat program you can chat with anons. 
'I saw a dog being killed.' 
Where? at the butcher or the vet
Again removing all traces with me, of the actors, we may use this new piece of information to surmise (correct? was there evidence?) that the act of killing was good or bad for the dog. But even with this conclusion, you should ever hold within yourself (given limited interaction on all rounds) the probability that it may have been the other way round. Was the butcher or vet brutal? Who were the beneficiaries here? Who said anything about the butcher or the vet being the one who laid the hand? Could they have been the audience?

I am told Buddhists release animals in captivity on Vesak Day as an act of mercy and kindness and probably to earn merit for the afterlife. Let's say we have doves which were bred for such an act. So they really are domestic doves. If I were to buy a domestic dove and release it before a crowd of 100 Buddhists. I presumably become a kind person to them. If on Vesak Day, I released a dove that had been captured from the wild by a neighbour only the day before. And some animal rights activist saw me. I presumably become ignominiously selfish in his eye.
Fact: I released a dove from captivity on Vesak Day.
Opinion: I am a kind and merciful person. I led a defenseless dove to its early and unwarranted death.

The dangers of always resorting / returning to grey areas is obvious -- how else will we make a decision if there is always something pulling us in the both directions? You get accused of sitting on the fence. But that is what the context is about. Depending on the context, with the given information, you make a decision, a choice. The path you choose for yourself may differ from the path you would set for another person, if only you had that other choice or influence (but thankfully you don't and never should have that kind of dictatorial -- brings to mind the old Malay kingdoms. I forgot the word).

Blogaday Day 2 Flipflopbellywop

Decisiveness is a prized attribute.

You may decide, without knowing it, to dislike someone at first glance.

Instincts can be explained as decisions sped up. Just as we may not initially have words to describe how facial features differ, but are able to eventually observe and describe the tilt of the eyes, the protrusion of the lips, and the knob of the nose, if we were to slow our feelings down frame by frame, we could explain why we felt how we felt the moment we felt what we felt.

But instincts are habits too, and they may be, should be arrested before they wreak havoc.

When is it right to honour split-second decisions, and when to make careful, balanced decisions?

If, by choice or circumstance, you do not detail your decisions, on whom does the burden of explanation fall? Is anyone listening?

Blogaday Day 1

i've been admonished to stay honest. Honest i shall stay.

I've also been tasked to think up of three long-term commitments to myself; promises to last beyond this season. The first, to listen before judging, will save some guilt.

Backtracking on my choice of units. Gah!

Blogaday Day 0

the decision to write for a possibly non-imaginary audience gave me such a kick today I have decided to publish a post a day for the next 30 days. 

I will include howtos such as How to not fall asleep at your desk, How to not jump to conclusions and How to break the habit of completing people's sentences.

'Let's be adult about this'

My resolution in 2012: to speak and act in a constructive manner, or else hold my peace.

A coworker is convinced I have the hots for him, no matter what I do. And I think I have tried enough. appearing emotionless (something I am against as a matter of principle), no push-ups, reticence, hinting that I like ladies, ... I am just short of saying it to his face that he's gotten it all wrong. If it were only his ego at stake here, I might keep mum for longer.


Thing is, I cannot reliably gauge the ripples of the choice to be made here. I can most certainly count on the perversion of my intentions.

Add to the brew another coworker who is hellbent on making me a tool in his comeback plan.

Notes from CS183 Startup Class 9:

On some level, this was a literary masterpiece. If nothing else, it was impressive for the many nested levels of conversation that were woven in. Other people were talking to other people about PayPal, possibly at infinite levels on down. The son was talking to other people about those people. Bill Gross was talking to his son. Then Gross was talking to Peter Thiel. And at the most opaque and important level, Gross was talking to the other investors at the table, tacitly playing up how smart he was for having invested in PayPal.

Brian Eno, in an Edge conversation with Simon Baron - Cohen:

I knew a little girl who was so empathetic that she was almost paralyzed by her own empathy, because she was always calculating the effects of everything she did on everybody else. And she almost couldn't conceive of herself as separate from all of these other ramifications that her behavior would have, so it seemed to me like a disability actually. She had no individuality that she could deal with.

Can you hold on to yourself as you burrow through the consciousness of another?

某天写的

就这样试着吧.

那光阴 沧海桑田 远走高飞 再没力气追

越是有影响力的人，责任越大.

这不是选择. 说实在的，一个人的influence

不一定是可以衡量或_测的.

一个领导另一个， which leads to another.

我们要活好。可是。(you know there's always a 'but' with me)

活下去是一种责任。我不想把活这[sic]作为负担.

因为这也是另一种deep-seated malice. 我不知道

它会演变出什么趋势

十七岁那年 我在细雨下想着同在乌宾岛某个角落的你。 trekking时经过你的露营 不时往里头看
无疑的 你就像十五岁那年 一样的闪亮 那些年

奈何

This could get uglier

And I really don't know what to do

thanks for the fish

2011年心得

1. 有首歌唱进心坎了

2. 不懂得臆说的人好可怕

3. 原来我也有想被认同的时候

The man and his ideas

Dear Jobs,
I am commemorating your passing in the only way I know how. I am waiting for the library to open so that I may borrow a book on Apple and since Apple = you, I know I will get my fix of you yet. When I was in middle school, I asked to get an iPod for my birthday. I didn't get that. When I was getting a new laptop, I asked to get an Air. I didn't get that either. On occasions I use the iPhone. The only whole Apple product I use most (minus whatever patents held) is iTunes, and that's for iTunes U. You can tell I don't belong to the cult of Apple. And since Apple = you, I don't belong to the cult of Jobs.
I was stunned when I learnt about Pixar, but frankly I still didn't think you were that great. Well, you were dishy in your youth, that's it.
I use my Android proudly. Yet when I am asked by someone if (s)he should get an iPhone or Android, of late I have kept silent, especially when it is someone I care. The iPhone remains an accessory of style.
When, and if, published, this post will join millions in their remembrance of you. You will be vilified in circles, for that's how life goes. Your legacy will fade slightly; my brother's generation grew up with computers, digital music players, animated graphics. But he will know the difference when he picks up a Mac. (I am told.) He certainly likes the iPad enough.
What have I to hold of you? Me, who has never stepped into your reality distortion field? Nothing but the circumstance of your birth, your black turtleneck + Levi's jeans, your dropping out of Reed and staying on anyway, your experimentations (I once won a short argument with a friend on how drugs ARE evil), your relationships, your devotion to quality and the whole experience, your very public endorsement that Art goes everywhere and your ability to get what you want.
Yours,

Trapped specimen

Hug me, and I will cuddle up to you
Gimme a kiss, and I will plant plenty more where you like them
Loosen a button, and I will help you with the rest

just an organ in my ribcage

I felt someone somewhere steeling his heart. Let this be the last one i ever go near.  

mon cheri

'我们都老了。'

是呀。有些东西已经不能避开了。things like flirting, like tension. like explaining why you aren't really looking for love, and possibly never will. that a lifetime of listening to love songs don't really amount to anything



sixteen-year-olds are cupids. verily. they shoot arrows dipped in venom which when in contact with you worms its way in making you think unrequited affection noble

unfettered

Today I went for a job interview. The only adequate way to describe how I perform is with a facepalm.

The day hadn't gone badly. I had KFC for lunch after travelling to collect another long due cheque. My bank account balance shot from two digits to four digits. On a whim I decided to visit a newly-opened hangout in the area. There I saw some very nice pencil drawings and purchased some very promising books. acting on another whim, I stayed for an interview I wasn't prepared for. (I found out about the opening earlier in the week, and hadn't come round to preparing my application.)

Am feeling too ashamed to write a thank-you note. 

Know the rules before you break 'em

Encountering yet another lull in ambition. 

Father asked again this morning how it was that I could have failed to hand in all my coursework, and I wasn't quite sure how to reply him, cos I have forgotten myself, you see. (As with all things me) It is unbelievable and, at the same time, very believable that I could not fulfill the passing criteria that is 30%.

and he asked if I might apply for management programs at SIM. why haven't I considered that seriously myself?

The one where I squeeze in a review

Hullo! I am recovering from a particularly persistent bout of flu. And while I slept the earth rumbled and I entertained thoughts of escapism.

My 2010 was pretty exhilarating, except maybe where I had to do basic programming again again and then once more. I was doing something awesome every month. I first laughed when I heard that somebody had commented that I had practically played away my time in school and then nearly cried when I mused over it on my own. No, I haven't found that elusive thing that makes me mistake work for play. 

Got to go start clearing some of that backlog now

不知何时写的

--------------------------

花了24小时想一个人。见了他却不知如何反应，

昨天的痛又开始。crumbling into today

The tormentor does not remember her/his crimes, and yet the tormented should live in yesterday's shadow, for ever.

我们可以继续，不，不可以向前。。

幸福是给别人的。或许DNA里也有这样的gene.想下车。的确是有。

我不想继续吃药。因为

1）这病好像是我编出来的借口。是呀。跟正常人接触多了就有对人的理解。有时候不知道我是不是对时【身？】边的人不够信任。而这是不是因为对自己的评价很低所以

I usually just manage to convince myself that and then I wonder where my confidence emanates from.

所以遇见你真的令人快活。

You make me want to stop my pointless O^r Q^ng & ask, why NOT?

On the Internet everything is funny until some idiot makes it humane

To my great astonishment and comparable amusement, a lecturer of mine recently announced that computers will become smarter than human beings. Her explanation was that the smartest brains create and build computers, and computers will learn from them and grow smarter. Computers trumping humans at chess was cited as a forerunner to a future when computers will outwit the wise man. The Matrix was thrown in the fray too.

The setting probably did not allow her to elaborate on her line of reasoning, and so the apparent fallacies (she has taken to using the word a lot). But I was piqued anyway about the inherent assumptions. Came online, and Wikipedia led me to the Chinese room, which I think was hinted at at an informal lab intro to computing years ago.

The same lecturer, when broaching the freemium model on another day, urged us to make a donation to Wikipedia, if we could afford to. Just saying.

On a disparate note, isn't it funny how 'Google is your friend, {fucktard}' became 'Google is my friend, we're chummy, lol, and I am so proud of it'.

{} - optional

It was to be SIA Week

Sigh.

Sent to you by applet0 via Google Reader:

10/27/10 PHD comic: 'Procrascorrelation'

via PHD Comics on 10/28/10

Piled Higher & Deeper by Jorge Cham		www.phdcomics.com
title: "Procrascorrelation" - originally published 10/27/2010 For the latest news in PHD Comics, CLICK HERE!

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On the banks of Temasek I sat and stared as a girl with yellow arm floats drifted downstream

You can't ask an acquaintance if he had a good childhood. It's too personal — and a potential can of worms. But we're naturally curious, looking for clues about the situations that our friends come from. This interest comes out in questions like "What do your parents do?" "Are you close with your family?" "Have you been home recently?" and even the straightforward "Where are you from?"

But what does a "good childhood" mean anyway? Most upbringings are complicated; mixed bags. Most parents try their best, and all make mistakes.

Descriptions, whether words or images, of the physical spaces of our formative years hint at the relationships within. If these walls could talk, they'd tell tales long forgotten.

- Laura Brunow Miner, introduction to Coming Home

YOYCI

Tai sao co nguoi kho choi nhu the? Em hieu anh co muc dich cao thuong nhung em co con duong cua em.

My parents are so cute

Recently, I went to the karaoke lounge with some new and old friends for just the second time in my life.

I thought the night would end without me singing a song. Somehow a mike found its way into my hand and I sung a track, liked it, and unleashed my now-cracked vocals on teesny bits of songs (each attempt ended with me helplessly passing the mike on).

I decided when I left that, yes, karaoke is fun :) At home my parents took turns asking me about my first karaoke attempt. (as any concerned parent would, no?) They were curious about the First Song.

Yesterday, the topic came up again. My father whipped out his iPhone, looked for the song on YouTube, and played it in the living room. My mother ran a mini commentary of the song while watching her drama serial. Her: 'Rock undertones, hmmm. Yeah yeah yeah~ You could reach those notes???'



The first time I went to a karaoke lounge was in Pahang, Malaysia with family and family friends. Everyone had fun, the old folks hogged the airtime and I flatly refused to sing. I still had fun, but my parents were a little disappointed to not have heard me sing.

In celebration of K-pop culture

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm ET / 10:30c
Stephen vs. Rain
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Asia

As it happened: http://www.colbertnation.com/video/tag/Rain

I am dead.

I think my family knows. 

Hint: I'm wearing something different from yesterday

Things I meant to do by 2359 : 2009.05.29
Return NLB books [overdue]
Return NUSLIB books [severely overdue]
Collect a book reservation
Check results
- renew locker
- decide on my S/U options, if any
Finding out the deal on barcodes
Get fitting earphones
Reorder the files in SD card
Download a few text files
Pack luggage
It has been 48hours since I landed and I have completed only one item on the above to-do list.

Truthiness is the way

Stephen Colbert rocks. like totally. I can see my hours spent

Never learn, do we?

Today was a good day. Even the time idled away was better than the way my last few weeks were spent. No useless naps, no unnecessary tears, some laughter, concentration better than usual.

I made headway (gathered more materials + had more ideas) on the essay. even tho I'm never going to be able to hand it in now, I would like to finish it.

I had soup for lunch, read a good book, saw a baby bird receive TLC, played Photohunt, participated in bathroom karaoke: Westlife's I Lay My Love on You + Fool Again, ate chocolate, drank milk, and am ready to keep track of my expenses again.

I actually finished (and enjoyed) and made it past Chapter 3 in Linear Algebra. Heh. I may even finish the syllabus, insyaallah.

Really, the temerity of yours truly scares me too. I am going to really, really regret what I did. It's not fair, I should get to have possession of my brain at all times.

Where do I start?

Even if one is not an actual immigrant or expatriate, it is still possible to think as one, to imagine and investigate in spite of barriers, and always to move away from the centralising authorities towards the margins, where you see things that are usually lost on minds that have never travelled beyond the conventional and the comfortable.

- Edward Said, in the third Reith Lecture in the 'Representations of the Intellectual' series

In my moments of clarity, I lament that I haven't been able to respond to the heeding of my tutors (as I will now call anyone who has taught me something, because teacher is reserved for the ones who have earned a living from being in the same classroom with me) to take leave of my comfort zone.

I started reading to have everyone leave me alone. Now that I have succeeded, and constantly bask in my isolation, what do I read for? 

There are (to me) new forms of literature that are intimidating, because of the nuances in thought they present I haven't been able to detect on my own, and also that require nothing less than total concentration on my part and at the same time revealing, because they allow me to reflect on my and (what I perceive to be) the writer's own patterns of thinking and doing. When I succeed in immersing myself in the texts, I am delighted to find another world, one which I never noticed, and the wonder I feel is usually sufficient impetus to read on. The questions of why couldn't you do this too? will surface, more often than not. <- is this the mark of the ignoramus? the lack of appreciation for the context that propelled these works, and, too, the lack of awareness of limits to one's abilities? For the works of giants, with their elegant prose that frame their ideas so well, that they produced in their youth, I am unable to read without guilt. I am also unable to read them when I cannot focus. 

It is said that the Great look at the people better than themselves and ask how they may close the gap while the Destructive magnify the differences and despair that they should ever reach the same heights, then wallow in self-pity.

Enjoy, if you can

I have seen the future, and boy is it bleak.

After lingering on the the Students At-Risk list year in, year out, I am finally fulfilling my innate potential and dropping out of school entirely.

I am going to take up a salesgirl position, settle down with a beng who takes a fancy to me complain to my 1.3 children about their father. complain to anyone who would listen about how could I have married for money. which I might, but will actually be unlikely to do so because I do not have the attributes of a Trophy Wife. My children and husband will complain to their colleagues and friends and each other about the bland food their mother prepares. I will either grow fatter or be further reduced to skin and bones. I will try not to practice favouritism among my kids. and every year or dinner regale them with the same tales of how I used to have teachers who were the nephews of Minister so-an-so, how Singapore used to be so simple, without the inflammatory bloggers and the casinos, of the sacrifice I made for the family in leaving the workforce when my 1.3 children popped out (but I would not try to find a job, because I have 'lost touch'), and some other made-up tales. My husband will feel neglected, wonder where the woman he married disappeared to, and he ultimately betrays me when the 7 year itch presents itself. If I find out, I will pretend to not see it. And if confrontation becomes inevitable? Well, I will end my life, to quicken the process of writing of this entry. Fine.

I am entering the nameless masses, will be floundering in the sewers, and living the rest of my life out as a statistic in the bell curve my high school Chem teacher went on and on about. One life, live it.

I have been down in the dumps for a night and a half. Let me get back to work, please.

Third session.

today was my third counselling session. Some things that we went thru:

The thoughts I want to have on my deathbed: 

1. I did what I could.
   
2. I made wise decisions.
   
3. I helped people.
   
4. If I have any properties, that they are taken care of.
   
5. My family is healthy.
   

Every moment now, every path I choose to take, does it take me a little closer to my goals? 

e.g. what can I do today? 

• Buy takeaway lunch snack for a friend
  
• Continue revision
  

also what can I today to remind myself of my deathbed wishes? 

But you know, if I were to choose to die right after a particularly spectacular day, everything would be fulfilled. How awesome!

When is enough enough? I can't recall what the Dr said. 

it was essentially another person's take on the same issues that I have went thru with myself before.

that if I wish to get to my best, or simply better, I must first acknowledge my progress. or else never cross the chasm. 

anyway, my own steps were these: how to get the motivation to continue? think about what comes next. what are the steps involved? break it down man! Rome wasn't build in a day. don't be overwhelmed. 
oh and take your fucking medication. 

added: I can't believe I forgot to enter this the first time round. I have a real problem with responsibility. I evade it like there's no tomorrow. Apparently this is the reason why I choose to surf aimlessly instead of continuing with revision. and it's pretty accurate I think. Never made this link, on my own. Hmmm.

so. happiness was when the desire to be away was fulfilled.

in my first counselling session, I was asked in a 'phải không?' way (after admitting that my depression had been around in lower sec, I think), so you've never been happy? And I answered, rather defensively, that I thought I'd been happy when I was in school. which was what I'd always thought to be so.

But after the qn was asked, when I was answering the qn, after I left the room, it sunk in. that while I'd known right from the first day of school even, that school was where I could be kept from the house, for the 'right' reasons, I'd also known/learnt that my happiness was and could only be temporal, and that was why I sought so desperately to prolong these periods of hạnh phúc, wasn't it? but I could stave off the pain, pretty easily. I just had to be away from anyone in the family. the steps that grew heavy when I reached the condo compound were also lighter the moment I stepped out of the door. 

It's different now; Happiness no longer arrives by virtue of location. It has become something I have to actively chase. without leads. and I am so tired of it. The moment I stop feeling wonder (the only antidote gần dây), the emptiness rings loud and hollow. I cannot feel much. the people around me today, I do not care if they care or not. I cannot understand many of their aspirations, I cannot understand why CAP 5.0 matters. sure Dean's List is nice. but does it mean anything, can it give me what I want? what is it that I want, anyway? The universe will give me anything I want, if I want it bad enough. Will it condemn me because I don't know what I want. Or if I just want to -- you know it,

bleah

I just gave my most insipid/muddled presentation ever. Thus ending my involvement in my second group project this sem. There were my usual HUGE issues with punctuality and empty promises. How do people put up with me?? Seriously!!

My labels have lost their colours again! 

My first counselling session

it was as hard as I imagined to even start talking at all, and even harder still to go deeper. I'd go crazy if at some point in time someone tells me he/she thinks my plight is made up.

My counsellor now thinks I am emotionally immature, that my methods or 'strategies' for coping with stress and emotions are nowhere appropriate for a uni student.

I learned a new way of representing the thought-action process. the addition of feelings changes everything. but I am not sure how much it affects me in my case, since I suppress them without trying. unless they are overwhelming. I felt an urge to laugh out loud at least once during the session, as I always do. it is a personal belief that the more perverse you are, the larger the range of things you will find funny. I am obviously quite far gone. My eyes dart too much without taking in info. I spent about an hour in the room before noting that the office chair was an emerald green, even tho I sat right behind it.

And I realised I am a real ball of thoughts, but that every strand needs teasing out (which may appear strange to sb else), and even the  stray/different-coloured strands come from the same source. goes the same for you. it just takes too much to prove tt to you. it takes mental effort to think about what I am thinking, because I spent plenty of time on the couch struggling to answer questions that wanted me to explain or simply state what I was thinking or feeling. and then it takes even greater effort to feel, to dig up the emotions buried underneath. Just like it took physical effort to dumb down the stutter. Why is everything so hard for me??

using Google's services is an emotional investment of sorts; I am trusting that in n years down the road, beyond the purposes of product enhancement (which is just vauge), there won't be anyone who will be using my usage tracks and my usage content or printing/broadcasting this para as proof of how naive and foolish people in 2009 were.

2 weeks later

Whenever it ends, I always to manage to reassure myself, 'Wasn't so bad, was it?' But it never really is over, and you don't know and I forget the despair I felt there and then.

From the bottom of my heart.

Ever so often for reasons as yet unclear to me, I get into periods of inactivity, where I gradually and eventually sink into the lowest state of emotions and I absolutely cannot function. Where everything everyone says has loopholes the size of Jupiter, and I am angered by that and hold them to it for as long as possible. Where the only people I want to be civilised to are strangers, and even then, they annoy me to no end. Where I get wild ideas. Where I do nothing. Where nothing interests me anymore, where I don't even want to try to feel any feelings other than the unhappiness that is already rotting the heart. 

During these at times long, at times fleeting periods, I have been blessed.

I thank my lucky stars for the people who granted me concessions when I hit these lows, even though they could not possibly have known my affliction or thought to attribute my 'nothingness' to anything other than sloth and inaptitude, who helped me catch up when I 'returned'. I thank the teacher in J1 who made sure I did all my Maths homework. I thank the boss and the colleagues who have turned a blind eye to when I just couldn't commit to anything I said I would. I thank the friends who have been forgiving of my pettiness, for offering help I could not take. There are countless others. 

I don't think I could ever say this face-to-face to any of you, but if you are reading these words, I just want to let you know that I am grateful to you, truly.

A typical conversation with myself after dinner

Mình ăn tối rồi. Hôm nay cơm tối không ngon. Mình chưa bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá. Mình không bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá.
Bây giờ mình bị đau đầu và hơi chóng mặt. :(
Mình sắp tắm. Sau đó mình sắp làm bài tập, không lên mạng Internet!

I have had dinner. Today's dinner wasn't good. I have never had a good meal in hostel. I will never have a good meal in hostel. Right now, I have a headache and am feeling a little dizzy. I am going to take a shower. After that comes homework. No Internet!

Deer in headlights

If life were an Antarctic Adventure, mine would be a one-track journey. too.

My vague understanding of barrier tunneling allows the notion that there is a one-in-infinity chance that not a single seal-ish particle would touch me, and hey I might just be the lucky one who learns how to levitate pass the cracks in the ice, hence barreling headlong is well-worth the shot.

and my adventure would have a HP bar. but I would be so busy tripping and climbing out of the chasms I land myself in, that I don't notice the lifepoints seeping away nor the other penguins I should have met and kept in contact with along the way.

if there was a whole bonanza of fishy goodness just a shuffle to the right, I probably wouldn't budge anyway.

and actually, this analogy isn't valid. I don't move that fast.

In which I exclaim that I forgot to hand in hw. WT(F).

Trời ơi! Mình LẠI quên trình bài tập!
OM(F)G. I forgot to hand in homework. AGAIN.

the poseur that be

You know how people who take foreign languages just can't seem to stop showing off their newfound way of expressing themselves -- in limited vocab and broken grammar, no less? Do you get as irked as I do when reading their irritating status updates? Prepare the catapult and the eggs! I am joining their ranks! 

My inspiration: the fantastic Shunsuke Iwai

Whilst sane and willing

Last spell:
first spotted in week of 02/02/09 [04:06], when I lost interest in Life Drawing.
confirmed in week of 16/02/09 [06:08], when I skipped 8 lessons.
[:09] recess week.
[07:10] skipped 6 lessons. mid-term week.
[08:11] skipped 5 lessons. visited Uni Health Centre, 12/03/09. felt incredibly helpless at the beginning of the week.

Last spot: 18/02/09 or 04/02/09?
Last sync: 17/02/09
Last complete sync: 12/02/09
Last streak post: 09/02/09
Significant dates: laundry last done on 26/02/09.

recovery: 13/03/09.
previous evening: angered that Dr didn't appear to believe me. hanging out with Carrie made me happier. yet cried when I got back to room.
that morning: woke up with puffier-than-usual eyes. but heart felt lighter than it had in a month. was able to greet people with smile. considered that I might blog and call in to ascribe abnormality to PMS blues. did not get the time to do so. changed my mind in the evening about cancelling appointment.

I am sane again, thank you for the concern.

All I want is to be well. I am prepared to get there alone, even if unnecessary.

it all adds up, you see?

I now question my wisdom in choosing to visit the school rep over a private assessment. with my grades in the gutters, and even my promotion under question, will anyone accept that my emotional health has been in the splinters for oh, the last decade or so?
and how do you confide in a stranger, no matter how jovial he/she is or how comfy he/she makes you feel?
see? it's always for the same two reasonS I don't get to choose the path I wish to take.
how do you leave the mask and the considerations behind? how do you stop the guessing game the fears the cracks in the surface?

Seriously negligent

I have once again screwed up a major percentage of my grades spectacularly.

I seriously wonder if I am going to achieve any of my 2009 goals.

But.. I have regained something else.. 

Something I lost very long ago..

Something so utterly awesome and utterly un-me, that if you knew me from 6months --nay, make that 1month!-- back, you wouldn't have believed it possible.

What is it?

The skill of taking a shower and having a meal within 30mins (each)! 

A year on

Dear Me, I've chosen EVERYthing over ONE thing, in the hope that eventually I walk away with more than NOthing. Bad play on words, but that is really how I feel. I like a challenge only when the other challenger is visibly weaker than myself. But all that is about to change. Here is the biggest challenge of all, with the one opponent worthy ONLY (in both sense of the word) of myself. If somebody else shld eventually benefit from this pursuit, so be it, good for him/her/them. You should now leaarn that I never meant so. Welcome to the jungle, baby!

can't think of a title

today is one of those days where I can't do nothing yet can't quit trying

Can't sleep can't sit can't walk can't talk can't think can't stop 

Just want to vomit my innards out then lay down and die

I just want to cease to exist

I also want to punctuate my sentences but really I'm not capable of that too 

Still chuckling

Well, well (are you reading this dy?), OK! Obi Kenobi's kind of a geezer. 



2008 in review
The amount of goodwill I abused in 2008 was staggering. from to the second to the very last day. If karma runs true, I have quite a bit coming in for me. Have to sort this out. 

It was also a reckless year. Not in the life-is-short-so-I'll-do-whatever-I-want kind of reckless, but in the my-life-is-a-mess-but-I-don't-give-a-fuck kind of reckless.

I spent a large part of the year moping in self-induced misery and hesitant over my choices. and as I sought advice on what to do with my life, I realised that the answers will really have to come from within, but kept and will keep asking the questions anyway. 

I met some amazing people.

You have no idea what kind of blow I am dealt when I meet people who misinterpret my attempts at humour. So people who understand me are amazing people. 

I was relieved to find I missed the house.

I am ashamed to have heard this more than once, 'You have to understand what you are doing,' A year ago, I would never have to have that said to me. Not more than once, anyway. 

My tutors are awesome, period. Also amazing people. 

I am still bitter over having screwed up the first sem

-------------------------------------------------------------

Bought a Grammy Nominees compilation lately, something from a decade back, 

Vying for Record of the Year, Best New Artist and Best Male Pop Performance in 1999 were these songs,

Record of the Year - The Boy is Mine, My Heart Will Go On, Iris, Ray of Light, You're Still the One, 
Best New Artist - Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Amor Ti Vieta, Wide Open Spaces, Doo Wop (That Thing), Torn
Best Male Pop Performance - Save Tonight, My Father's Eyes, Anytime, Lullaby, You Were Meant for Me

Throwback to even earlier times: I miss the days of listening to 'When the Saints Go Marching In' on the My First Encyclopedia, playing MindMaze on that Windows 95 machine (or was it Win98?). Life was as easy as skipping thru the entries; if I didn't like some topic, I simply saved it for another day, maybe never. 

Am going home now, after a freezing night in school.