突然间心静下来，突然间我也很想要稳定的职业阶梯，突然间脑海里浮出一个你拿着吉他的画面 头发帅帅的 你没戴眼镜 望着前面翘着头 眉间皱着 开口喊"哈什么？"  就是平常那可爱鬼模样。我的角度是侧面的

如果不来动物园 我应该永远就找不到你 

如果在外头见 我还会这样爱上你吗？

今天从陌生人得到的忠告是 喜欢一个人别想太多 不然…说真的我忘了不然什么。那就是我的特大毛病吧 聆听不了关于你的讯息

突然间我好像跑进你怀里。

--

sometimes

Sometimes I feel you are out of my reach. Sometimes I have faith you will be around come what may. Sometimes the switch between these two states takes place in an instant, and then sometimes I wake up in one delirious state, and end the day in the other delirious state.

Iotm (it occurs to me) now that it's okay; everything's gonna be fine. I'm ever more aware of my mood swings, and tiring of them. That must be when stability kicks in. 

--

Must be the hair

I got a hair cut. I wanted to look like Audrey Hepburn in this photo. 

The connection was spotty there, and I couldn't get this particular picture out, as it was further down the results page. So I describe it instead.

Me: I want a V-shaped, slanted fringe. 

Aunt: a v-shaped fringe will make you look weird. You will look like sun wukong.

I opt for slanted only. She starts cutting my fringe away, and it comes off different from what I had in mind.

Me: how can this be salvaged? 

Aunt: it cannot be salvaged. (pauses for a few seconds and resumes cutting my fringe.)

At work, 

Colleague: this isn't Audrey Hepburn. It is What Happened?!

On the LRT,

A young girl starts crying after I burst out laughing in front of her. 

On trust

I used to think having someone/something depend on me was a responsibility to escape from. Now I accept it as a privilege.

--

un/stuck

//[26NOV2019] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

i am stuck, with people and ideas/skills. When I looked out of the frosted glass door yesterday, I thought, there must be something missing. It'd surely be better if I could have you for real, if I travel forever, if I work harder and smarter, if I have more fun, if I stay long enough at a place, if I worry less, if my bank account never empties, if I have intense, heart-to-heart conversations with everyone I meet, if I express myself clearer...

I feel stuck, which maybe isn't a bad place to be in. The world is way bigger than I imagined, and the safety video playing ad infinitum doesn't tell the whole story. It was straightforward when I belonged somewhere: look to the ideal of the time and place, and you knew where you were destined before you set off. No kidding, it was straightforward. And stifling.

I'm not that stuck. I'm freer to move than I've ever been, with decisions and possessions. I can be anyone I want, and resolve contradictions the way I choose. 

no need to be jumpy about my own shadow.

天昏地暗

//[26NOV2019 0632hrs] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

突然之间 心又碎了几下 有谁可以告诉我 一切即将okay 只是现在 amygdala 太好动

on best friends

when I was younger I wanted a best friend more than anything. I read sweet valley, full house, animal ark, disney girls, stories where friends who grew up together got together to do stuff, just because. communication in those stories seemed painless, and if anything got too much to handle, the friends would band together against some drama-mama; friends always grokked each other, quirks and all. that's how it was on tv too, the tv I watched. you were either on the main lead's side or you weren't. information transfer and explanations didn't take more than one scene. and I think that's how I learned to treat reality. one-dimensional. i hoped and expected to be loved just like that, and was devastated when that didn't happen, but wasn't aware enough to know my emotions on it, or why my behaviour did not facilitate friend-making.

in primary three we took tests for the gifted programme. on the day of the maths test, I left early so I could visit my then-best friend's home. I remember that everything she and her family members said was side-splittingly funny, in a way that was foreign to me. in upper primary, we went to different classes, where she had another best friend. for some months the three of us exchanged letters to each other, addressing each other by our horoscope signs. I was quite proud of my sign-off signature (which if I recall right had been discussed with my tutor and neighbour/family friend I grew up taking overseas trips with) and I suspect maybe that the sign-off was what I looked forward to most each time I wrote. I got a new default friend too, and on teachers' contact times, we went on trips to the grass field, where I collected weed samples to match what I'd read in zooed, and enid blyton (cupid's shaving grass, lalang = dandelion, four leaf clovers).

I remember laughing with people, but as I grew, the intimacy and candour I craved were ever more out of reach (was it because my friends grew more than my 1D POV of them allowed?) until one day I realised I was tired of trying. I still couldn't see what was happening. or maybe I could but deep down inside didn't want friends. strangers were easy because I wasn't going to see them again. but there is always baggage to be dealt with for people you keep in your life. 

and then it was JB who told me she'd found a best friend herself. and a way to make friends: talk to different people about different things. that meant giving up the myth that there was a someone who could understand you, whenever, wherever.

and now, I don't know how this post ends. 

the German girl on Ubin (140430)

hey. i saw your effigy, that Barbie doll, in the yellow hut with multi-coloured flags from the roof. yesterday was your birthday, he said, but they'd been busy. your follower says you're now a deity who takes the form of a beautiful chofah and you use your wings to ward against black magic. that's mastery. near your altar are offerings of dolls, perfumes, the pink masses in toy stores. surely you must have grown in the last hundred years? next year, I'll return with something different -- but what could a god want?

Edit [26NOV2019] I visited this place again this year, and at the expense of / ate into the class coming up at the same time. There is something strange about emotions, expression and expectations, the connection of it all. I have been having the loopiest, and times*. I wish I could sit and be calm, and take it all in. Like one of those things you know, trusted content from someone who turns out to not have made a good decision at some point in time (like a whitelist which couldn't detect a failure, because, well, one of the screws in the cog or the the points actually failed herself/himself. A venerable once taught that Mara, is also a position. But, I dont know. Why go there at all? -- statements meant to be taken at a mixture of metaphorical and face value. The HTML editor screwed up a previous perfect sentence I was typing out an arrow/bracket and I've gotten kinda pissed/exasperated with typing. Moving on for now, until the sentence strikes again in its perfect entity, shape with a shiny glowing halo and wings. the point halfway thru, was that why go there at all has at least two meanings, both of which I mean, and one meaning which i don't mean -- why go there at all, in the sense that why do we have to go on to make the mistakes we make, or why do even approach Mara -- actually, I have forgotten the two very sensible non-partisan points i was making. Forget it. there. this is how you screw up a perfectly short, sweet, KISSable post with a backdrop of noises, and even this sounds like blame-pushing now.

*there's a track or something that sounds like a rooster's morning crow of sorts, and my legs have been having an swirly air feeling. There was a transportation of self to the memories of meditation or camps. Before that, there had been a translation of another sort. So. ya. 

**think the song 'Bad day' and Dido's 'Thank you'.

140228 Imitating Jesus and Socrates

In his systematic quest for moral perfection Benjamin Franklin chose 13 'necessary or desirable' virtues to live by for the rest of his life.  and concentrated on

I have been living by Franklin's 13 virtues for the past year. A virtue a week, and four cycles so far. 

I listed each flouting for all of five weeks before deciding that was too much administrative work to continue for the long-term. 

I have had to 

Why can't I be happy with who I am? I don't have a ready reply for those. You will find that better discussed elsewhere. 

131124

I've been reflecting on my film journey the past few days. why and how I got started, the recent decisions made, and the people past. It started from during A's when I sneaked out to catch Paprika. after that I was finally free to leave home on my own and sought places to go. I caught Singapore Dreaming, listened to soundtracks and got a ticketing job at a cinema, maybe not in that order. I worked on Red Dragonflies and watched White Days. I saw people edit their dreams in dark rooms, I saw assignments being compiled on screen. I read online. always, I feared myself. I see the chances I missed but I also accept why.

140209 who was I angsty about this time?

I can't handle people, you know?

I can't handle the stuff you say. I can't handle the stuff you don't say. 

I can't handle all the yesterdays you cradle to your womb and stab yourself with. I read it, but I'm paralysed. If I react, what would I say? I can't act quick enough to reassure you.

I can't handle the lies you insist on telling and then believing

140309

expired medicine
i intensely dislike going to the doctor's. i put off going until the ailment's unbearable. at the doctor's i freeze, grin by default and am almost always unable to remember my present discomfort. this means i can't explain why i am at the doctor's. which means the doctor gets annoyed and when i step out i end up feeling belittled and even more reluctant to visit the doctor
at the root of all these is the inability to recognize

may i have the wisdom to know the difference

Blogaday Day 12 (120918?)

Can we suspend time and live for ever as we do now?

I have overcome my stutter

I have found things I am good at without trying too hard (people seem genuinely taken aback when I sing)

I have finally understood the concept of priorities

Must. Get. It. Back. (090618)

For the first time in a month, I am slept before 3am.
Last night, I slept thru a succession of 6 alarms

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies (090309)

有些無聲話語只有尋夢的人彼此聼得到。 ——陳昇

I watched White Days on the night of my previous entry. In fact, I wrote the post as the Q&A was taking place. As noted by some people in the audience, I roared with laughter throughout much of the film, even when no one else so much as grinned. 

The synopsis is a thing of beauty. 

080520

woah weee wha-- womp whamp whack wooooooooooo what the hell, who cares??

Am typing this here, 'cos my way to Blogger's been blocked
('Nooooooooooooo...') on pc at home. Here's what appeared in black and
bold, 'Access to the requested URL has been blocked.' It says I can't
change the settings somewhere, but I really can't be bothered to. It's
not as if the computer I am using now is the only one which I have
access to. *Blows a big fat raspberry* You lose, Father!

I'll store this later piece in my super duper BIG Inbox, and we'll see
how many I can accumulate at the end the day. The New York Times is
the only 'person' I get mail from, so there's tons of space in here.

As we all know already, Prelims are starting in just TWO days time,
and as Mr Soh might say, 'How exciting!' Ms Tan is panicky about the
standard of our England essays, dear Jiang Li is obviously exasperated
and at her wits' end about how to deal with my Chinese (unfortunately,
so am I), Ms Yew's worried about our Mathematics, Ms Chia doesn't seem
very sure either, but Mdm Mak and Mdm Mak alone seems as calm as ever.
Exciting indeed. Nothing to be said about Ms Ong and Mr Soh, because I
can't really be bothered as yet with my two Sciences.

My, I've run out of things already to type about. There's something
about the keyboard that takes something out of writing.

Oh have I mentioned before that I am totally sick of Kai Ting??
She's been harping for so freaking long on my verbal usage of English
that I am so freaking SICK of it! And her!
Yesterday, before my turn during EL Oral. She struck again!!
'Hui Min, can you PLEASE stop speaking with an accent?'
As I was pissed and bored, I said,
'For your information, and I beg you remember it for life, (Well, I
didn't actually say that, but I wish I had)' I am not speaking with an
accent. I just happen to pronounce my word endings.'
It was utter rubbish of course, because everyone, including Mrs Foo
See Wee Ee Wah Lao Go And Die Lah speaks with an accent. Anything that
comes out of your mouth is accompanied by your accent. If you think
you speak without an accent, you probably can't speak in the first
place.
I sat back and waited for someone to point that glaring error out,
and, hopefully, provide some fodder for discussion, but no one did.
Disappointing. Even though I misled those listening, it was still
worth seeing KT stunned. I should really refrain from, or just stop
talking to her entirely, because I can't stop making fun of her. And
you know what's worse? I don't even know why I enjoy making fun of her
so much! I'd feel really guilty if I one day manage to goad someone
into crying. Even though, it'd be quite an accomplishment I am sure,
nobody deserves to be hurt emotionally.
So, I must get to the root of my sport. Knowing your own reaction to
something or someone sorta demystyfies and obviously makes sense of
your reaction. To use myself as an example, knowing what exactly it is
about a guy's features that makes you tick makes those guys you
thought were hot, just ordinary now. Suddenly, almost every male you
know and have seen before looks plain. Luckily or not, things don't
always work this way, and some people remain as much a mystery as
before. Or perhaps even more so, because they are a such a rare
exception, and you don't know why the view you hold of them may waver
and sway, but never change overall.

Guilessly,
Yours truly

140825

Remember this day. don't live in a daze any longer.

Maybe you are right

maybe you were right
maybe I ain't going to last
maybe I lie and blab
Maybe i don't care
Maybe i can be faster but don't want to
Maybe I'm an immature brat
Maybe i changed
maybe you got it wrong the last time,
but that's not what I'm interested in. What if
maybe you are right this time?

好像没重点的post

原来心意被接受时 immediately得到的不是 霸王夺城 欲望被满足的快活感
而是来自深处的痛。只能用"很痛很痛"来形容这份痛。好像是对方所有的痛终于/突然是你的了。成分不肯定是什么，只知道真的很痛。

最近学到 we relate easily to pain. or, pain is too easy a topic.

Maybe it's because our greatest writing genius was incapable of being funny that we have decided that being funny doesn't count. Which is tough on Wodehouse (as if he could have cared less) because his entire genius was for being funny, and being funny in such a sublime way as to put mere poetry in the shade. The precision with which he plays upon every aspect of a word's character simultaneously -- its meaning, timbre, rhythm, the range of its idiomatic connections and flavours, would make Keats whistle....
Shakespeare? Milton? Keats? How can I possibly mention the author of Pearls, Girls and Monty Bodkin and Pigs Have Wings in the same breath as these men? He's just not serious!
He doesn't need to be serious. He's better than that. He's up in the stratosphere of what the human mind can do, above tragedy and strenuous thought, where you will find Bach, Mozart, Einstein, Feynman and Louis Armstrong, in the realms of pure, creative playfulness.
-From the Introduction to Sunset at Blandings (Penguin Books)

-The Salmon of doubt, a collection of writings by Douglas Adams on life, the universe and everything

我要搞笑+不损人。一个人时也一样要发光。 At this moment, I am not suffering.

度量与胆量不是你说了算

哪一步走得忐忑 哪一手下的狠 不是由一个人 或一群人判定。
小伙伴、宝贝们别把这看得太仔细

这星期谈的是诚心

如果我有意戏弄、如果我狂妄自大 、如果怕我会变本，直接说吧。 心毛毛的认清了，尘埃也难累计。

情绪复杂，一言难尽，我应该会哭。没关系。everything will be fine. 

心放赤裸了我肯定会哭。也没关系。心理战术游戏我本来就玩不起。

现在哪里都还不想去。开始bonding不是要这样吗？你就让我在身边坐着吧，让我习惯你的气息 好吗？

[140701: 6月23日那天想法特别多没注意到。隔一天再念稿时就有惊愕到。 或许我要的一切就在指尖。]

...time unfreezes for Song-yi and Hwi-kyung. She senses strangeness, though, and wonders what just happened. She tells Hwi-kyung that up until a second ago she was going to give him a yes—that she was willing to call her fondness for him love and go with the easier path. It's what her parents would have wanted, and it would have been comfortable to accept Hwi-kyung's love (and his chaebol riches).  

"But I'm really sorry," she says. "In only a second my mind changed. I can't do that."

--You from another star Episode 7. recap by Dramabeans

只求一字：安。

In Genting
Watched _Battle of Wits_ last night and _Casino Royale_ this afternoon
Before today, I'd never watched a Bond film full length, would you believe it? My mother was adamant that no Bond film was appropriate for a children. And my brother in all of his eleven years gets to watch it. But no matter, he failed to understand the movie. No comments on that. Anyways, I shall read Ian Fleming's novels soon. 007 is quite a fellow.
In Daniel Craig's Casino Royale, James Bond starts off different, his tastes are not yet ? or refined!/defined/specialised. At the film's beginning, Bond has not achieved double O status.
or the film starts before Bond became 007. Nor has he become a womaniser. I liked this film alot.
I am trying to spell out the reasons why. The critics didn't like it, but I really did, I loved the Bond Craig played. Maybe because I love the British.
I loved it the way he was shown to be impossibly humane. He made mistakes and not just one or a handful, but he turned out fine didn't he?
_Battle of Wits_ and Casino Royale_ had their similarities. The main character's love interest in both stories died watery deaths. which I find scary. I think/suspect I am teeny weeny bit claustrophobic. Water closing in on me, And apparently you look awful too/die ugly too bodies that resurface are bloated and purplish.
Both main characters were smart and physically abled definitely! But while the Maozi (Maoist?) Liu ____ (he eventually became a pacifist and followed the school of thought he was born into, but not before unleashing one last torrent of terror which wasn't very humane actually, but definitely, for want of a better word, smart) turned to love, Bond grew ruthless I think, into the way he was originally, before he may [Vesper], but in a hardened way now. He was actually jealous while with []! He said, 'it's time you took off the necklace'. Both men were brilliant and the women that fell in love with them if not because of that then at least a bit of their adoration must be credited to that. They (more specifically, the Maoist) made me think again what consistently a genius. Not what makes one or the emotional strength or the heartware. But the hardware if you like. It's the cold hard brilliance/intelligence I adore. I am enamoured with talent. But I am afraid it's not healthy. Actually, am I? Perhaps I could adjust my 'meter' such that I fall head over heels for only the minds of rocket science abilities. I think this may not work. I believe wholeheartedly that everyone is a genius or are incredibly talented mentally. I really do. But they haven't found out. And I am scared that they will realise their powers one day. I am worried that the powers they exhibit will far exceed mine.

至所有的你

140601
要知道一个人生的旅程没有真正的起点。一个事件的后患是无止的。这个时刻有万数的缘串在一起。之前是这样。往后也会是这样。谁能看透？说能彻底解读未来的人都是骗你的。
虽然嘴边老挂着慈悲的理，我本来就不轻易相信人。 所以就别再自责了。

The sapience of greater freedom

Work accomplished = time spent * intensity

Of course. I subscribe to this formula wholesale. It's why standards are for chumps. (i can't tell people that. You don't get away with saying such stuff when you aren't an overachiever.)

But intensity is mercurial. Sometimes it comes easily and stays for long. Then it leaves one day without notice, taking all your shared memories and you wonder later if it was all a dream. I found this out in my first year of college when I couldn't wrap my mind around math concepts that'd fascinated me a year before, and got put on academic probation. I tried to recreate the conditions that'd led me to choose maths in the first place but it didn't work -- and I flunked out.

I've come to grudgingly accept that we are creatures of habit and the surest way to the Zone is rituals. So I've got all these little things I do to get myself functioning. I spend time tweaking this checklist. It's like aligning all the ferreromagnets in my head. But it's very possible to get lost in the rituals. That's when all the magnets spin wildly. At some point I remember with a start, in the middle of nowhere, what the todos were about and then start all over again aligning the magnets one by one.

From time to time I wonder if anyone lives as painstakingly as I do [140630: I blush when I read this now, 2.5 months later]. There are. It's the choice we make for greater freedom. And it need not be a burden. I think I am rediscovering that the key to sustained intensity is joy.

Feliciter Anon

Every post on Craigslist is heartwrenching. even the ones that scale higher up Maslow's triangle. okay. hierarchy.

These are my favourites from today's trawl:

I'll match you

tall(er than me). music? check. reads? check. funny? check. at home indoors and outdoors. swoon now. 

Pretenses DESTROYED

not just destroyed. DESTROYED okay. have I mentioned my intense feelings about the word 'like-minded'? overused from a pentatrillion months ago. I want to reply just to see who's behind this very familiar ego and style

A skill for a skill

brownie points for the endeavour. good boy. 

how wondrous it should be that this world gives me just what I ask for

chocolates to satiate

space to build an abode

conditions to test resolve

distortions to practice clarity

14 March. 15 March complete

Thoughts seep out of us in writing, in aether, in salt water. If you could see your own transparency and i could remember mine, would you posture?  Would i still hold back?

Things you already knew about me

1. I am not immune to flattery

2. My plans don't stick

3. I am fucking serious about being serious

4. I am deathly funny

5. I expect too much of you, but

6. I don't actually trust you