My first counselling session

it was as hard as I imagined to even start talking at all, and even harder still to go deeper. I'd go crazy if at some point in time someone tells me he/she thinks my plight is made up.

My counsellor now thinks I am emotionally immature, that my methods or 'strategies' for coping with stress and emotions are nowhere appropriate for a uni student.

I learned a new way of representing the thought-action process. the addition of feelings changes everything. but I am not sure how much it affects me in my case, since I suppress them without trying. unless they are overwhelming. I felt an urge to laugh out loud at least once during the session, as I always do. it is a personal belief that the more perverse you are, the larger the range of things you will find funny. I am obviously quite far gone. My eyes dart too much without taking in info. I spent about an hour in the room before noting that the office chair was an emerald green, even tho I sat right behind it.

And I realised I am a real ball of thoughts, but that every strand needs teasing out (which may appear strange to sb else), and even the  stray/different-coloured strands come from the same source. goes the same for you. it just takes too much to prove tt to you. it takes mental effort to think about what I am thinking, because I spent plenty of time on the couch struggling to answer questions that wanted me to explain or simply state what I was thinking or feeling. and then it takes even greater effort to feel, to dig up the emotions buried underneath. Just like it took physical effort to dumb down the stutter. Why is everything so hard for me??

using Google's services is an emotional investment of sorts; I am trusting that in n years down the road, beyond the purposes of product enhancement (which is just vauge), there won't be anyone who will be using my usage tracks and my usage content or printing/broadcasting this para as proof of how naive and foolish people in 2009 were.

2 weeks later

Whenever it ends, I always to manage to reassure myself, 'Wasn't so bad, was it?' But it never really is over, and you don't know and I forget the despair I felt there and then.

From the bottom of my heart.

Ever so often for reasons as yet unclear to me, I get into periods of inactivity, where I gradually and eventually sink into the lowest state of emotions and I absolutely cannot function. Where everything everyone says has loopholes the size of Jupiter, and I am angered by that and hold them to it for as long as possible. Where the only people I want to be civilised to are strangers, and even then, they annoy me to no end. Where I get wild ideas. Where I do nothing. Where nothing interests me anymore, where I don't even want to try to feel any feelings other than the unhappiness that is already rotting the heart. 

During these at times long, at times fleeting periods, I have been blessed.

I thank my lucky stars for the people who granted me concessions when I hit these lows, even though they could not possibly have known my affliction or thought to attribute my 'nothingness' to anything other than sloth and inaptitude, who helped me catch up when I 'returned'. I thank the teacher in J1 who made sure I did all my Maths homework. I thank the boss and the colleagues who have turned a blind eye to when I just couldn't commit to anything I said I would. I thank the friends who have been forgiving of my pettiness, for offering help I could not take. There are countless others. 

I don't think I could ever say this face-to-face to any of you, but if you are reading these words, I just want to let you know that I am grateful to you, truly.

A typical conversation with myself after dinner

Mình ăn tối rồi. Hôm nay cơm tối không ngon. Mình chưa bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá. Mình không bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá.
Bây giờ mình bị đau đầu và hơi chóng mặt. :(
Mình sắp tắm. Sau đó mình sắp làm bài tập, không lên mạng Internet!

I have had dinner. Today's dinner wasn't good. I have never had a good meal in hostel. I will never have a good meal in hostel. Right now, I have a headache and am feeling a little dizzy. I am going to take a shower. After that comes homework. No Internet!

Deer in headlights

If life were an Antarctic Adventure, mine would be a one-track journey. too.

My vague understanding of barrier tunneling allows the notion that there is a one-in-infinity chance that not a single seal-ish particle would touch me, and hey I might just be the lucky one who learns how to levitate pass the cracks in the ice, hence barreling headlong is well-worth the shot.

and my adventure would have a HP bar. but I would be so busy tripping and climbing out of the chasms I land myself in, that I don't notice the lifepoints seeping away nor the other penguins I should have met and kept in contact with along the way.

if there was a whole bonanza of fishy goodness just a shuffle to the right, I probably wouldn't budge anyway.

and actually, this analogy isn't valid. I don't move that fast.

In which I exclaim that I forgot to hand in hw. WT(F).

Trời ơi! Mình LẠI quên trình bài tập!
OM(F)G. I forgot to hand in homework. AGAIN.

the poseur that be

You know how people who take foreign languages just can't seem to stop showing off their newfound way of expressing themselves -- in limited vocab and broken grammar, no less? Do you get as irked as I do when reading their irritating status updates? Prepare the catapult and the eggs! I am joining their ranks! 

My inspiration: the fantastic Shunsuke Iwai

Whilst sane and willing

Last spell:
first spotted in week of 02/02/09 [04:06], when I lost interest in Life Drawing.
confirmed in week of 16/02/09 [06:08], when I skipped 8 lessons.
[:09] recess week.
[07:10] skipped 6 lessons. mid-term week.
[08:11] skipped 5 lessons. visited Uni Health Centre, 12/03/09. felt incredibly helpless at the beginning of the week.

Last spot: 18/02/09 or 04/02/09?
Last sync: 17/02/09
Last complete sync: 12/02/09
Last streak post: 09/02/09
Significant dates: laundry last done on 26/02/09.

recovery: 13/03/09.
previous evening: angered that Dr didn't appear to believe me. hanging out with Carrie made me happier. yet cried when I got back to room.
that morning: woke up with puffier-than-usual eyes. but heart felt lighter than it had in a month. was able to greet people with smile. considered that I might blog and call in to ascribe abnormality to PMS blues. did not get the time to do so. changed my mind in the evening about cancelling appointment.

I am sane again, thank you for the concern.

All I want is to be well. I am prepared to get there alone, even if unnecessary.

it all adds up, you see?

I now question my wisdom in choosing to visit the school rep over a private assessment. with my grades in the gutters, and even my promotion under question, will anyone accept that my emotional health has been in the splinters for oh, the last decade or so?
and how do you confide in a stranger, no matter how jovial he/she is or how comfy he/she makes you feel?
see? it's always for the same two reasonS I don't get to choose the path I wish to take.
how do you leave the mask and the considerations behind? how do you stop the guessing game the fears the cracks in the surface?

Seriously negligent

I have once again screwed up a major percentage of my grades spectacularly.

I seriously wonder if I am going to achieve any of my 2009 goals.

But.. I have regained something else.. 

Something I lost very long ago..

Something so utterly awesome and utterly un-me, that if you knew me from 6months --nay, make that 1month!-- back, you wouldn't have believed it possible.

What is it?

The skill of taking a shower and having a meal within 30mins (each)!