My first counselling session

it was as hard as I imagined to even start talking at all, and even harder still to go deeper. I'd go crazy if at some point in time someone tells me he/she thinks my plight is made up.

My counsellor now thinks I am emotionally immature, that my methods or 'strategies' for coping with stress and emotions are nowhere appropriate for a uni student.

I learned a new way of representing the thought-action process. the addition of feelings changes everything. but I am not sure how much it affects me in my case, since I suppress them without trying. unless they are overwhelming. I felt an urge to laugh out loud at least once during the session, as I always do. it is a personal belief that the more perverse you are, the larger the range of things you will find funny. I am obviously quite far gone. My eyes dart too much without taking in info. I spent about an hour in the room before noting that the office chair was an emerald green, even tho I sat right behind it.

And I realised I am a real ball of thoughts, but that every strand needs teasing out (which may appear strange to sb else), and even the  stray/different-coloured strands come from the same source. goes the same for you. it just takes too much to prove tt to you. it takes mental effort to think about what I am thinking, because I spent plenty of time on the couch struggling to answer questions that wanted me to explain or simply state what I was thinking or feeling. and then it takes even greater effort to feel, to dig up the emotions buried underneath. Just like it took physical effort to dumb down the stutter. Why is everything so hard for me??

using Google's services is an emotional investment of sorts; I am trusting that in n years down the road, beyond the purposes of product enhancement (which is just vauge), there won't be anyone who will be using my usage tracks and my usage content or printing/broadcasting this para as proof of how naive and foolish people in 2009 were.