Priorities

This morning I woke to great lethargy, having spent the night before exhausted but reluctant to sleep. I had spent the hour before sleep ruminating about a particular fear of the opposite sex. 

During breakfast I found about an interesting workshop. But if taken up, this activity would require 5days and have me gasping for breath in the coming week and possibly the weeks after. But it'd be good for my FYP, and actually related to my course. And, what is a bit of cramping?

I made a decision there and then to go right away. I changed, brushed my teeth and made an Uber booking on my first ride promo code. I congratulated myself on the slickness of it all.

Saturday is an untouchable day, reserved for erhu. I'd promised to turn up for erhu class today, but this was more important! I think I could do that erhu exam in the time left. So reaching the activity venue 

And then someone asked me, so, you went to such lengths to come here, what do you want to get out of this? And truth be told I'd forgotten. I'd remember my earlier ambition in a bit, 

And it's the way with everything in my life isn't it. Even this blog is an example. Of wanting to write succinctly, showing promise and then never quite delivering.

I go to great lengths to secure a certain future but don't go all the way at the right time because I don't know how to get support and because I naively believe 'the truth will surface'. And then I can't admit/express the lengths I went because I can't feel my own pain and then I suffer after from the trauma of the unexpressed. 

Because, really, only I know how hard I cried/cry and how much I tried. You will tell me that I don't have situational awareness but you, of all people, should admit that you would rather see that I have. I wish you'd told me earlier that I could 'do everything'. Why did you have to keep something like that to yourself? You knew I wanted your attention but was certain/afraid I'd abuse it. And so I tried to tell you in different ways: I'm not the person they (from everywhere) says I am. You were afraid (and possibly still afraid) that I'll implicate you intentionally, (and so you chose to be hard/hearted rather be than be honest). This isn't the tell-it-all that you feared; I don't know enough about you. Of course this is going to hurt your feelings at some point. And when it does I'm going to be the one blamed. But I took this into account too back when I chose you. But you can't see that. You literally can't believe how smart I am. 

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