18MAY2019

Edited 29 Dec 2019. 0100+hrs 加与串了其他的。想逃避的是什么？自我？那毛茸茸，不对劲又copycat的冷？

Edited / added 1314hrs 重复的经过。有一样东西忘了写。

这城市和那个人教会我的东西

@五月周末早晨

巴士站的通知信说清明节如果人马拥挤巴士就不会在这站停。清明是三月。

一对学生家长在巴士站准备着要拍毕业照。这是占着自己很会买金的那一族。国大和南大的毕业期是七月。若要说有可能是初级学院的学生在拍照...那就照你的想法去想。

找路来这地方还真是难。从出发到抵达花了两个小时，这则是搭德士的行程。半路上司机说不知道怎么去地点，就在熟悉的地方(country club)暂停借用电话。第二趟路程即将开始了，上车了，第二位司机说要出发了，司机却改主意不愿载我，因为country club保安说我缠着柜台，或/也缠着旁客。最后换公共巴士。一路上巴士莫名的在仅有一，两辆车的狭窄区慢停了下来。

就到了贴着清明通知单和有毕业生在拍照的巴士站。

搭另一辆车返回出发点，在另外一个熟悉的地方（动物园）暂停。过后搭了车出去，又在路旁停了下来，想象着建筑区旁的小溪的水是干净的。

本来是写说到了后还不知道已经到了。后来从照片或chat谈话中得知那一群散步的人从来都没有走远--但再过后与现在明确的想想...其实也不以为然，因为没确认。那一组在靠近入口的人群，有可能是他们，也有可能不是他们。我看了chat group里的第一张照片后，下了这样的结论。还没看到其他张的照片。我们人脑海里的连接系统就是那么的容易被摆布的。


但恰好电话没电后，不然就是已经习惯没得到资料做准确，准时，对自己有利*的决定

那么，2019下半年最近有另外一趟的散步我是从同样的地铁站（宏茂桥）出发的。地点不一样。这次的行程很短很短，但路上旅程结局任然一样。德士司机任然慢慢的开车。

原来缘来或不来framing continues, 人任然不在。
现在想想原来能理解那些人事后的反应。但。你/我/谁也能看得出吧？如果要一直这样的澄清，是行。但这是要在每一个路口，每一个举动都解释或澄清。该有多累啊？不只累。就连日常的生活都不能过下去。我竟天真般的相信如果世上有几个人能理解真相/自己就足够了，也就是说，天真的相信其他的都能忍。

容忍无极限。

打这行字时房间里的打呼声暂停了，调也改了。

故事这么多。有被摆布的，有纯真的，有蠢蛋的。这返回一直在问的，什么才是值得的？小时候同样的知道，想的未必会影响举止，未必会act/做出来。但这又有可能变成一个把柄。这不就是anxiety的来源吗？就连这张文章，过后又好像会变成导致坏脾气或古怪行为的来源。

*不代表对别人就损利。

Adept at adapt. Or is it the other way round?

As is, as is. Inspired by the country's almost-two x six-year-cycles of schooling, I've thought that perhaps life, or my life comes or works in six-year cycles. With the sixth year turning up better results. Me and an ex-classmate did have such a talk after our exams once, haha. 

I guess you may consider this a sort of a marker or delimiter?

In this case, then, if we are what we do and have devoted ourselves to, then, well, regardless, the sixth year of this cycle has been quite a mess -- actually that's not quite right, you will deliver results*, anyway. Now if you buy this, I've become impeccable at bumming, at reading double entendres in song lyrics, at asking for permission to love, at looking up postal codes on Google Maps (I've come back to being a shallow superuser, although Google's offerings have changed since I was a younger enthuse.), at being effortlessly aware of the body's sensations leading up to common and not-so-common ailments. 

This was in the context of what I was allowed to do, and allowed myself to do.

Now, like a good Buddhist, it's my duty to of course tell you that kamma is more mysterious than this and please for fucks sake continue with your life without depending too much on almanacs. Cue Liao Fan's four lessons https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liao-Fan%27s_Four_Lessons?wprov=sfla1

Disclaimer- I'm not a monastic nor a billionaire nor a fengshui teacher. For relevant teachings, please approach the experts.

*If you haven't gotten it, the question is, what will you deliver results on?

我们在哪？我门在哪？门都没有？船是要去？从新读了这章，原来读起来我真像是个花花女子。就留在paradox的。就留给自己读。如果忘记为什么，为了是什么，文章的最后一句话就是答案。你（给自己的）就看着你的人生一半的过去吧，永远的活在蒙语内。你知道你努力过。

又是另外一天 在房间里待了另一天

让我想起了the parodies of the bunker scene

没新的照片，所以就改发，放在draft吧。找到了照片！但这里的paradox很多。

生存以上 生活以下 

见过一个很爱打电动的男孩*。

和另一个爱找角度的

https://youtu.be/JvxHPtEsmFc

生活很残酷。佛说路一半是剩余的--上次到此走出来的，有一半是现于的--你现在做什么就是往于的。两个加起来呈现出的果--但它们之间的互动你看不出，想了（trace)迟早是会疯的。***

我也没什么好说的了。

*在熟食中心。虽然开始吃素了，我叫了一碗tulang merah回味年少时（也只不过十年，少于，in fact）。他在外面坐着在栏杆上，应该说是夹在栏杆那。我被乘了一包超大的酱料，我说不要。我知道应该就是他，要跟他说，eh，适可而止了吧！附近的小贩盖住小鸡鸡，好像要当挡球的，不然就是怕我吃了，哈哈哈哈。吃完了饭，把一些面包喂给了鸟，或许也洗了手，抬起头/回座位小男孩已不在。我以为/认为应该就能在附近/再次在熟食中心/在别处遇见。那时的我是相当有信心的。哈哈哈哈。

**印象中的片段preview有点不同，是对角换位的了。跟这个的有相似https://youtu.be/pWvPXTWUexk（虽然没有play过MV或听过歌）

***但你也要知道。

他不要就是不要，现今选择放下的句点你都在看（有分寸）。逞强个屁。

Seeds

Coloured kueh

This is going to be a cryptic post. Read what you will of it. Kinda like the god who was the first in the realm, and decided he had been around forever. Only, maybe you'll be right, ie, I find your perception agreeable. 

For what it's worth. The words we say in fits and outbursts. We latch on, to the things that give us an emotional kickback. We could have the greatest band of goodwill, and still be entirely unsure what to do. The things unsaid, the things said. 

Jet planes taking off. Pillars of salt. Three strikes. Round and round we go. Will you take my hand? Or not.

Quotes from Like Milk and Water Mixed

I came looking for an answer to romantic love.
I saw the right question to be how to sustain conjugal love.
I conquered with the Brahma Viharas, hopefully...?

Like milk and water mixed: Buddhist reflections on love
-S Dhammika (2013)

Romantic love has all the defining characteristics of other types, although in a much more exaggerated and unruly form. Couples in love are intensely interested in each other; much of their time together is spent talking to each other about the minute details of their lives, likes and dislikes, hopes, interests and dreams. "What are you thinking? a young woman will sometimes say to her beloved. (p17)

Lovers come to care about each other too, about each other's happiness and well-being and particularly that the love they share continues and grows stronger. They empathise with each other, and in romance this is usually described as "two hearts beating as one". Desire for intimacy is heightened. During the first flush of love, the couple involved can hardly bear to be out of each other's sight and the desire for sexual intimacy often has a desperate, urgent quality to it. In fact, so closely is romantic love associated with sex that the physical act of sex is commonly called "making love". In no other type of love is positive feeling so dominant, sometimes overwhelmingly so, although it is commonly punctuated by episodes of despair and distress, anxious longing and shattered hopes. Arguments followed by reconciliations, or separations ending in reunions, seem only to intensify the partners' attachment to and longing for each other's company. Sometimes couple will even create such situations so that they can savour the reconciliation. The scriptures say" "When a couple or a husband and wife frolic in private with romantic love they chide each other 'Dear One, you don't really love me; your heart is elsewhere'. They chide each other like this falsely so that they can then love each other more passionately." (p18)

...the Buddha had a deep enough understanding of the human heart to know that despite the many tribulations romantic love could bring, it was also a source of great happiness and a real benediction. He often spoke of what he called "the satisfaction and the dangers (assadan ca adinava) in sensual pleasure", of which romance and sex were the most significant. And there is satisfaction in romatic love -- the wonderful feeling of being cherished and having someone to cherish, the companionship, the fun, the exhilaration of sex and the delight of sharing things. It can also nourish virtues such as loyalty, giving, unselfishness and patience. (pp20-21)

The Brahma Viharas can be looked at from several different perspectives: as orientations of character, as distinct and separate states or as a lattice of related states balancing and complementing each other. Buddhaghosa said the Brahma Viharas are "like a mother with four sons: one an infant, one an invalid, another in the prime of youth, and a fourth successfully making his way in the world. She wants the infant to grow up, the invalid to recover, the one in the prime of youth to long enjoy his youth, and she has no worries about the one making his way in the world." Another view of the Brahma Viharas is as four ways the loving mind relates to beings according to their situation and circumstance, as the appropriate ways love manifests itself. (p88)

160420 - Letter to self

Dear Self,

How doth you be?

People have been telling me you aren't real. And truthfully, I'm inclined to believe them -- sorry :/ But if you aren't real, who's that calling the shots behind my eyes? Who's that who wants to tell everyone everything? And while we are on the topic, who was the one who after five hours and counting, still couldn't decide to eat fish or tofu for dinner. The vegetarian or the Hemsley twins newbie follower? Who was that who...? Who, who, who? 

It's a short letter, to address you. 

As you pick off your delusions ickle by ickle, know that you will never be perfect -- and it's okay to keep trying. Take a stroll, tickle the mimosa, and enjoy the company. Then go on to be useful, to yourself and others. 

May you be happy and well. 

Yours,

Hui Min

Afterthought title: timeliness vs timelessness

Me at River Safari 

I began composing this post yesterday night. Now that I'm done I see jumping jumping and jumping, and words that were written as reactions to sensations to self-doubts about whether I'm getting something right. This is a post not fit for consumption, without metta, written for selfish gratification. I'm storing this post away as reminder. It's eaten into my time for 320 project, and it says something that I'd rather spend time on writing this post than work on problems. I think I believe in the importance of my writing and transparency too much. It's like what Cal Newport wrote. When you have a Twitter audience of 200+ you let yourself believe you're saying things that matter. It's not important. What you feel isn't important. It's what you contribute. 

I finished Deep work (Cal Newport, 2016) yesterday. Which says obsessors get things done, full-stop. IMHO there's an area I'm not intense enough, and that's in understanding the Buddha's teachings. In daily life, I talk about animals, I share photos, but I don't exchange enough on studying the Dhamma.

For goodness sake I am even embarrassed about saying food prayers at the dining table with my father. 

Being serious about something invites the inevitable questions: so? Are you going to make this a living? Are you trying to threaten me? 

Let's answer this upfront*: Enlightenment / Awakening / Sustainable happiness is everyone's business. I'm not vying to be your spiritual guide or one-up you in morality. I'm just practising, but I'm practising full-time. 

You'll only benefit if you take me with you**. 

*When checking if the word is outright or upright (changed it to upfront), I came across the Isha Foundation's online ad on the dictionary app I was using. I've been watching Sadhguru videos. Instant quandary aside (am I deviating???), you gotta admit, this guy's doing it really well isn't it? The use of YouTube and segmenting videos to capture our short attention spans with questions that we want urgent answers to. He even makes sporting an out-of-control beard looks good.

**i almost tremble at the presumptuous-ness of what I've written. But hey I believe in the quality of my hearttt ;)

--

Priorities

This morning I woke to great lethargy, having spent the night before exhausted but reluctant to sleep. I had spent the hour before sleep ruminating about a particular fear of the opposite sex. 

During breakfast I found about an interesting workshop. But if taken up, this activity would require 5days and have me gasping for breath in the coming week and possibly the weeks after. But it'd be good for my FYP, and actually related to my course. And, what is a bit of cramping?

I made a decision there and then to go right away. I changed, brushed my teeth and made an Uber booking on my first ride promo code. I congratulated myself on the slickness of it all.

Saturday is an untouchable day, reserved for erhu. I'd promised to turn up for erhu class today, but this was more important! I think I could do that erhu exam in the time left. So reaching the activity venue 

And then someone asked me, so, you went to such lengths to come here, what do you want to get out of this? And truth be told I'd forgotten. I'd remember my earlier ambition in a bit, 

And it's the way with everything in my life isn't it. Even this blog is an example. Of wanting to write succinctly, showing promise and then never quite delivering.

I go to great lengths to secure a certain future but don't go all the way at the right time because I don't know how to get support and because I naively believe 'the truth will surface'. And then I can't admit/express the lengths I went because I can't feel my own pain and then I suffer after from the trauma of the unexpressed. 

Because, really, only I know how hard I cried/cry and how much I tried. You will tell me that I don't have situational awareness but you, of all people, should admit that you would rather see that I have. I wish you'd told me earlier that I could 'do everything'. Why did you have to keep something like that to yourself? You knew I wanted your attention but was certain/afraid I'd abuse it. And so I tried to tell you in different ways: I'm not the person they (from everywhere) says I am. You were afraid (and possibly still afraid) that I'll implicate you intentionally, (and so you chose to be hard/hearted rather be than be honest). This isn't the tell-it-all that you feared; I don't know enough about you. Of course this is going to hurt your feelings at some point. And when it does I'm going to be the one blamed. But I took this into account too back when I chose you. But you can't see that. You literally can't believe how smart I am. 

--

Rant

I'm sorry I promised you things I didn't have the guts to deliver.

And that's not all. 

I'm sorry that my last turn pretending to be a furry pet was also spent feeling sad for you.

I'm sorry I declared, before I knew what I was doing, that I wanted to sit forever with you. 

I had trust issues with every existing human and I'm sorry I kept you waiting while I took my time to trust you. 

Your woes become known to the second largest mouth in Nandai (the first place is taken already -- it's a revolving post). What did you think she was going to do with it?? I'm sorry I allowed my professional role model to be stupid. 

Why do you persist in a cycle of half-knowing, acting/not-acting, then regretting when a fuller story appears? Why does it seem as if everyone knows what you think of me, and everyone has a say, everyone except me...?

......

On an entirely separate note, I hope Auntie's feeling comfortable.

It's possible your perverse preference for pleasure mixed with pain finds this a turn-on and I melt under your smile the next time we meet. It's also possible you grow utterly enraged or ignore me and I cry buckets. Or you could just shrug this off as a child's tantrum. 

*there are those who think my chattiness and well-wishing is out of character/insincere. Well, fuck them. They don't know me outside of this bubble. It doesn't matter. You on the other hand can have informants in and out of Nandai and still understand fuck. Why? Because you never ask me! And I don't know what you don't know

--

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bLBSoC_2IY8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 

This is my current favourite video. I want to be consumed like that and at the same time it's a sensation I'm afraid to seek out. I definitely want to be free like that. 

--

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qX2GsMj7154" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

At dinner today we got to talking. It started with the quarter-life crisis, and moved predictably into not knowing what to do with life, and how to possibly get to knowing it. I did more listening than talking -- not because silence is golden but because on some days the intensity of conversations just can't match my ego. With reference to the adage that asks what you'd change about your life and connects your reply to your deepest desires, I said near the end of the evening that I was happy with how I'd led my life in the past one, two years. I repeated this (with a similar level of smugness) to an ex-schoolmate on my way home. When I reached home I felt terrible. 

---------

Written the night before and unfinished, the above stemmed from a bout of self-loathing that almost went undetected. Luckily I woke this morning and recognised that I had had mixed feelings, as usual, and there wasn't a need to feel guilty over the 'bad' feelings. Sometimes in unravelling complex feelings, I have to grasp again and again at gossamer. By right this should make me thankful for when feelings are/become straightforward and undeniable. But by left those feelings that won't stay hidden seem to be the ones that must stay unexpressed.

--

Look how far we've come

我没有要求现状维持不变。如果未来就只有这一切看起来很unappetizing leh。

我要的stability不是原地踏步，而是心灵的稳重、踏实度。

换我来说：看啦！问不就知道？

--

tough enough to lean on

Back in Jan 2012 I read 7 habits of highly effective people for the first time. inspired by the book, I wrote the following mission statement, and committed to visiting it daily: 

I will not be arrogant
I will do as much as I can
I want to be someone people feel safe and inspired with. Safe, not dull. Safe to share ideas with, but not to diss with. Safe to begin thinking you can fly.
I will take special care to not manipulate people. I will lay my motives and intentions bare when asked, but not when I suspect I will be made use of. for this, I will give the widest berth. You will have one chance to bite me. I give that to you.
I will give credit where due.
I will defend those who are not around.
I will grow my knowledge of and participation in 'industry, commerce, and enterprise' because to do so is to honour and acknowledge those who have been in my life.

My stance on this statement did not stay static. I tired of its length, complained about its 'tend[ing] towards... servitude', and even expressed repulsion. I made my last edit in the 14th month and later moved on to other guiding systems.

I come to this point because a colleague tells me I am naive and ignorant of the trappings of this world. In the same space, another colleague agreed, and thought it was my upbringing that led to it. I struggled to express that being innocent is a choice. But 'nature/nurture?' is besides the point. 

Rereading my original mission statement from 2012 made me realise how important the statement is to me -- I still try to keep the deal today in 2015 even after I've stopped referring to the statement. Those are actions I care about taking. I watch for arrogance and intention and keep things neutral when talking about deeds. What gets to me is that I have not been living the lines in a way that is sustainable, that does not support myself or the people around me. I seem to have lived them in a kind of theoretical mode, without consideration for practical issues. 

And so I'd like to do no evil and be seen as strong for that. not weak. 

-----

I like you, all of you. The you I've met, the you's that existed before I stepped into the picture and the you's that will come to be. I wish my presence to give you freedom to be who you want to be, not pressure to be some souped-up superhuman tireless and incapable of error. Your stories I want to hear, not judge. 

突然间心静下来，突然间我也很想要稳定的职业阶梯，突然间脑海里浮出一个你拿着吉他的画面 头发帅帅的 你没戴眼镜 望着前面翘着头 眉间皱着 开口喊"哈什么？"  就是平常那可爱鬼模样。我的角度是侧面的

如果不来动物园 我应该永远就找不到你 

如果在外头见 我还会这样爱上你吗？

今天从陌生人得到的忠告是 喜欢一个人别想太多 不然…说真的我忘了不然什么。那就是我的特大毛病吧 聆听不了关于你的讯息

突然间我好像跑进你怀里。

--

sometimes

Sometimes I feel you are out of my reach. Sometimes I have faith you will be around come what may. Sometimes the switch between these two states takes place in an instant, and then sometimes I wake up in one delirious state, and end the day in the other delirious state.

Iotm (it occurs to me) now that it's okay; everything's gonna be fine. I'm ever more aware of my mood swings, and tiring of them. That must be when stability kicks in. 

--

Must be the hair

I got a hair cut. I wanted to look like Audrey Hepburn in this photo. 

The connection was spotty there, and I couldn't get this particular picture out, as it was further down the results page. So I describe it instead.

Me: I want a V-shaped, slanted fringe. 

Aunt: a v-shaped fringe will make you look weird. You will look like sun wukong.

I opt for slanted only. She starts cutting my fringe away, and it comes off different from what I had in mind.

Me: how can this be salvaged? 

Aunt: it cannot be salvaged. (pauses for a few seconds and resumes cutting my fringe.)

At work, 

Colleague: this isn't Audrey Hepburn. It is What Happened?!

On the LRT,

A young girl starts crying after I burst out laughing in front of her. 

On trust

I used to think having someone/something depend on me was a responsibility to escape from. Now I accept it as a privilege.

--

un/stuck

//[26NOV2019] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

i am stuck, with people and ideas/skills. When I looked out of the frosted glass door yesterday, I thought, there must be something missing. It'd surely be better if I could have you for real, if I travel forever, if I work harder and smarter, if I have more fun, if I stay long enough at a place, if I worry less, if my bank account never empties, if I have intense, heart-to-heart conversations with everyone I meet, if I express myself clearer...

I feel stuck, which maybe isn't a bad place to be in. The world is way bigger than I imagined, and the safety video playing ad infinitum doesn't tell the whole story. It was straightforward when I belonged somewhere: look to the ideal of the time and place, and you knew where you were destined before you set off. No kidding, it was straightforward. And stifling.

I'm not that stuck. I'm freer to move than I've ever been, with decisions and possessions. I can be anyone I want, and resolve contradictions the way I choose. 

no need to be jumpy about my own shadow.

天昏地暗

//[26NOV2019 0632hrs] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

突然之间 心又碎了几下 有谁可以告诉我 一切即将okay 只是现在 amygdala 太好动

on best friends

when I was younger I wanted a best friend more than anything. I read sweet valley, full house, animal ark, disney girls, stories where friends who grew up together got together to do stuff, just because. communication in those stories seemed painless, and if anything got too much to handle, the friends would band together against some drama-mama; friends always grokked each other, quirks and all. that's how it was on tv too, the tv I watched. you were either on the main lead's side or you weren't. information transfer and explanations didn't take more than one scene. and I think that's how I learned to treat reality. one-dimensional. i hoped and expected to be loved just like that, and was devastated when that didn't happen, but wasn't aware enough to know my emotions on it, or why my behaviour did not facilitate friend-making.

in primary three we took tests for the gifted programme. on the day of the maths test, I left early so I could visit my then-best friend's home. I remember that everything she and her family members said was side-splittingly funny, in a way that was foreign to me. in upper primary, we went to different classes, where she had another best friend. for some months the three of us exchanged letters to each other, addressing each other by our horoscope signs. I was quite proud of my sign-off signature (which if I recall right had been discussed with my tutor and neighbour/family friend I grew up taking overseas trips with) and I suspect maybe that the sign-off was what I looked forward to most each time I wrote. I got a new default friend too, and on teachers' contact times, we went on trips to the grass field, where I collected weed samples to match what I'd read in zooed, and enid blyton (cupid's shaving grass, lalang = dandelion, four leaf clovers).

I remember laughing with people, but as I grew, the intimacy and candour I craved were ever more out of reach (was it because my friends grew more than my 1D POV of them allowed?) until one day I realised I was tired of trying. I still couldn't see what was happening. or maybe I could but deep down inside didn't want friends. strangers were easy because I wasn't going to see them again. but there is always baggage to be dealt with for people you keep in your life. 

and then it was JB who told me she'd found a best friend herself. and a way to make friends: talk to different people about different things. that meant giving up the myth that there was a someone who could understand you, whenever, wherever.

and now, I don't know how this post ends.