In celebration of K-pop culture

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Stephen vs. Rain
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I am dead.

I think my family knows. 

Hint: I'm wearing something different from yesterday

Things I meant to do by 2359 : 2009.05.29
Return NLB books [overdue]
Return NUSLIB books [severely overdue]
Collect a book reservation
Check results
- renew locker
- decide on my S/U options, if any
Finding out the deal on barcodes
Get fitting earphones
Reorder the files in SD card
Download a few text files
Pack luggage
It has been 48hours since I landed and I have completed only one item on the above to-do list.

Truthiness is the way

Stephen Colbert rocks. like totally. I can see my hours spent

Never learn, do we?

Today was a good day. Even the time idled away was better than the way my last few weeks were spent. No useless naps, no unnecessary tears, some laughter, concentration better than usual.

I made headway (gathered more materials + had more ideas) on the essay. even tho I'm never going to be able to hand it in now, I would like to finish it.

I had soup for lunch, read a good book, saw a baby bird receive TLC, played Photohunt, participated in bathroom karaoke: Westlife's I Lay My Love on You + Fool Again, ate chocolate, drank milk, and am ready to keep track of my expenses again.

I actually finished (and enjoyed) and made it past Chapter 3 in Linear Algebra. Heh. I may even finish the syllabus, insyaallah.

Really, the temerity of yours truly scares me too. I am going to really, really regret what I did. It's not fair, I should get to have possession of my brain at all times.

Where do I start?

Even if one is not an actual immigrant or expatriate, it is still possible to think as one, to imagine and investigate in spite of barriers, and always to move away from the centralising authorities towards the margins, where you see things that are usually lost on minds that have never travelled beyond the conventional and the comfortable.

- Edward Said, in the third Reith Lecture in the 'Representations of the Intellectual' series

In my moments of clarity, I lament that I haven't been able to respond to the heeding of my tutors (as I will now call anyone who has taught me something, because teacher is reserved for the ones who have earned a living from being in the same classroom with me) to take leave of my comfort zone.

I started reading to have everyone leave me alone. Now that I have succeeded, and constantly bask in my isolation, what do I read for? 

There are (to me) new forms of literature that are intimidating, because of the nuances in thought they present I haven't been able to detect on my own, and also that require nothing less than total concentration on my part and at the same time revealing, because they allow me to reflect on my and (what I perceive to be) the writer's own patterns of thinking and doing. When I succeed in immersing myself in the texts, I am delighted to find another world, one which I never noticed, and the wonder I feel is usually sufficient impetus to read on. The questions of why couldn't you do this too? will surface, more often than not. <- is this the mark of the ignoramus? the lack of appreciation for the context that propelled these works, and, too, the lack of awareness of limits to one's abilities? For the works of giants, with their elegant prose that frame their ideas so well, that they produced in their youth, I am unable to read without guilt. I am also unable to read them when I cannot focus. 

It is said that the Great look at the people better than themselves and ask how they may close the gap while the Destructive magnify the differences and despair that they should ever reach the same heights, then wallow in self-pity.

Enjoy, if you can

I have seen the future, and boy is it bleak.

After lingering on the the Students At-Risk list year in, year out, I am finally fulfilling my innate potential and dropping out of school entirely.

I am going to take up a salesgirl position, settle down with a beng who takes a fancy to me complain to my 1.3 children about their father. complain to anyone who would listen about how could I have married for money. which I might, but will actually be unlikely to do so because I do not have the attributes of a Trophy Wife. My children and husband will complain to their colleagues and friends and each other about the bland food their mother prepares. I will either grow fatter or be further reduced to skin and bones. I will try not to practice favouritism among my kids. and every year or dinner regale them with the same tales of how I used to have teachers who were the nephews of Minister so-an-so, how Singapore used to be so simple, without the inflammatory bloggers and the casinos, of the sacrifice I made for the family in leaving the workforce when my 1.3 children popped out (but I would not try to find a job, because I have 'lost touch'), and some other made-up tales. My husband will feel neglected, wonder where the woman he married disappeared to, and he ultimately betrays me when the 7 year itch presents itself. If I find out, I will pretend to not see it. And if confrontation becomes inevitable? Well, I will end my life, to quicken the process of writing of this entry. Fine.

I am entering the nameless masses, will be floundering in the sewers, and living the rest of my life out as a statistic in the bell curve my high school Chem teacher went on and on about. One life, live it.

I have been down in the dumps for a night and a half. Let me get back to work, please.

Third session.

today was my third counselling session. Some things that we went thru:

The thoughts I want to have on my deathbed: 

1. I did what I could.
   
2. I made wise decisions.
   
3. I helped people.
   
4. If I have any properties, that they are taken care of.
   
5. My family is healthy.
   

Every moment now, every path I choose to take, does it take me a little closer to my goals? 

e.g. what can I do today? 

• Buy takeaway lunch snack for a friend
  
• Continue revision
  

also what can I today to remind myself of my deathbed wishes? 

But you know, if I were to choose to die right after a particularly spectacular day, everything would be fulfilled. How awesome!

When is enough enough? I can't recall what the Dr said. 

it was essentially another person's take on the same issues that I have went thru with myself before.

that if I wish to get to my best, or simply better, I must first acknowledge my progress. or else never cross the chasm. 

anyway, my own steps were these: how to get the motivation to continue? think about what comes next. what are the steps involved? break it down man! Rome wasn't build in a day. don't be overwhelmed. 
oh and take your fucking medication. 

added: I can't believe I forgot to enter this the first time round. I have a real problem with responsibility. I evade it like there's no tomorrow. Apparently this is the reason why I choose to surf aimlessly instead of continuing with revision. and it's pretty accurate I think. Never made this link, on my own. Hmmm.

so. happiness was when the desire to be away was fulfilled.

in my first counselling session, I was asked in a 'phải không?' way (after admitting that my depression had been around in lower sec, I think), so you've never been happy? And I answered, rather defensively, that I thought I'd been happy when I was in school. which was what I'd always thought to be so.

But after the qn was asked, when I was answering the qn, after I left the room, it sunk in. that while I'd known right from the first day of school even, that school was where I could be kept from the house, for the 'right' reasons, I'd also known/learnt that my happiness was and could only be temporal, and that was why I sought so desperately to prolong these periods of hạnh phúc, wasn't it? but I could stave off the pain, pretty easily. I just had to be away from anyone in the family. the steps that grew heavy when I reached the condo compound were also lighter the moment I stepped out of the door. 

It's different now; Happiness no longer arrives by virtue of location. It has become something I have to actively chase. without leads. and I am so tired of it. The moment I stop feeling wonder (the only antidote gần dây), the emptiness rings loud and hollow. I cannot feel much. the people around me today, I do not care if they care or not. I cannot understand many of their aspirations, I cannot understand why CAP 5.0 matters. sure Dean's List is nice. but does it mean anything, can it give me what I want? what is it that I want, anyway? The universe will give me anything I want, if I want it bad enough. Will it condemn me because I don't know what I want. Or if I just want to -- you know it,

bleah

I just gave my most insipid/muddled presentation ever. Thus ending my involvement in my second group project this sem. There were my usual HUGE issues with punctuality and empty promises. How do people put up with me?? Seriously!!

My labels have lost their colours again! 

My first counselling session

it was as hard as I imagined to even start talking at all, and even harder still to go deeper. I'd go crazy if at some point in time someone tells me he/she thinks my plight is made up.

My counsellor now thinks I am emotionally immature, that my methods or 'strategies' for coping with stress and emotions are nowhere appropriate for a uni student.

I learned a new way of representing the thought-action process. the addition of feelings changes everything. but I am not sure how much it affects me in my case, since I suppress them without trying. unless they are overwhelming. I felt an urge to laugh out loud at least once during the session, as I always do. it is a personal belief that the more perverse you are, the larger the range of things you will find funny. I am obviously quite far gone. My eyes dart too much without taking in info. I spent about an hour in the room before noting that the office chair was an emerald green, even tho I sat right behind it.

And I realised I am a real ball of thoughts, but that every strand needs teasing out (which may appear strange to sb else), and even the  stray/different-coloured strands come from the same source. goes the same for you. it just takes too much to prove tt to you. it takes mental effort to think about what I am thinking, because I spent plenty of time on the couch struggling to answer questions that wanted me to explain or simply state what I was thinking or feeling. and then it takes even greater effort to feel, to dig up the emotions buried underneath. Just like it took physical effort to dumb down the stutter. Why is everything so hard for me??

using Google's services is an emotional investment of sorts; I am trusting that in n years down the road, beyond the purposes of product enhancement (which is just vauge), there won't be anyone who will be using my usage tracks and my usage content or printing/broadcasting this para as proof of how naive and foolish people in 2009 were.

2 weeks later

Whenever it ends, I always to manage to reassure myself, 'Wasn't so bad, was it?' But it never really is over, and you don't know and I forget the despair I felt there and then.

From the bottom of my heart.

Ever so often for reasons as yet unclear to me, I get into periods of inactivity, where I gradually and eventually sink into the lowest state of emotions and I absolutely cannot function. Where everything everyone says has loopholes the size of Jupiter, and I am angered by that and hold them to it for as long as possible. Where the only people I want to be civilised to are strangers, and even then, they annoy me to no end. Where I get wild ideas. Where I do nothing. Where nothing interests me anymore, where I don't even want to try to feel any feelings other than the unhappiness that is already rotting the heart. 

During these at times long, at times fleeting periods, I have been blessed.

I thank my lucky stars for the people who granted me concessions when I hit these lows, even though they could not possibly have known my affliction or thought to attribute my 'nothingness' to anything other than sloth and inaptitude, who helped me catch up when I 'returned'. I thank the teacher in J1 who made sure I did all my Maths homework. I thank the boss and the colleagues who have turned a blind eye to when I just couldn't commit to anything I said I would. I thank the friends who have been forgiving of my pettiness, for offering help I could not take. There are countless others. 

I don't think I could ever say this face-to-face to any of you, but if you are reading these words, I just want to let you know that I am grateful to you, truly.

A typical conversation with myself after dinner

Mình ăn tối rồi. Hôm nay cơm tối không ngon. Mình chưa bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá. Mình không bao giờ ăn món ăn ngon ở ký túc xá.
Bây giờ mình bị đau đầu và hơi chóng mặt. :(
Mình sắp tắm. Sau đó mình sắp làm bài tập, không lên mạng Internet!

I have had dinner. Today's dinner wasn't good. I have never had a good meal in hostel. I will never have a good meal in hostel. Right now, I have a headache and am feeling a little dizzy. I am going to take a shower. After that comes homework. No Internet!

Deer in headlights

If life were an Antarctic Adventure, mine would be a one-track journey. too.

My vague understanding of barrier tunneling allows the notion that there is a one-in-infinity chance that not a single seal-ish particle would touch me, and hey I might just be the lucky one who learns how to levitate pass the cracks in the ice, hence barreling headlong is well-worth the shot.

and my adventure would have a HP bar. but I would be so busy tripping and climbing out of the chasms I land myself in, that I don't notice the lifepoints seeping away nor the other penguins I should have met and kept in contact with along the way.

if there was a whole bonanza of fishy goodness just a shuffle to the right, I probably wouldn't budge anyway.

and actually, this analogy isn't valid. I don't move that fast.

In which I exclaim that I forgot to hand in hw. WT(F).

Trời ơi! Mình LẠI quên trình bài tập!
OM(F)G. I forgot to hand in homework. AGAIN.

the poseur that be

You know how people who take foreign languages just can't seem to stop showing off their newfound way of expressing themselves -- in limited vocab and broken grammar, no less? Do you get as irked as I do when reading their irritating status updates? Prepare the catapult and the eggs! I am joining their ranks! 

My inspiration: the fantastic Shunsuke Iwai

Whilst sane and willing

Last spell:
first spotted in week of 02/02/09 [04:06], when I lost interest in Life Drawing.
confirmed in week of 16/02/09 [06:08], when I skipped 8 lessons.
[:09] recess week.
[07:10] skipped 6 lessons. mid-term week.
[08:11] skipped 5 lessons. visited Uni Health Centre, 12/03/09. felt incredibly helpless at the beginning of the week.

Last spot: 18/02/09 or 04/02/09?
Last sync: 17/02/09
Last complete sync: 12/02/09
Last streak post: 09/02/09
Significant dates: laundry last done on 26/02/09.

recovery: 13/03/09.
previous evening: angered that Dr didn't appear to believe me. hanging out with Carrie made me happier. yet cried when I got back to room.
that morning: woke up with puffier-than-usual eyes. but heart felt lighter than it had in a month. was able to greet people with smile. considered that I might blog and call in to ascribe abnormality to PMS blues. did not get the time to do so. changed my mind in the evening about cancelling appointment.

I am sane again, thank you for the concern.

All I want is to be well. I am prepared to get there alone, even if unnecessary.

it all adds up, you see?

I now question my wisdom in choosing to visit the school rep over a private assessment. with my grades in the gutters, and even my promotion under question, will anyone accept that my emotional health has been in the splinters for oh, the last decade or so?
and how do you confide in a stranger, no matter how jovial he/she is or how comfy he/she makes you feel?
see? it's always for the same two reasonS I don't get to choose the path I wish to take.
how do you leave the mask and the considerations behind? how do you stop the guessing game the fears the cracks in the surface?

Seriously negligent

I have once again screwed up a major percentage of my grades spectacularly.

I seriously wonder if I am going to achieve any of my 2009 goals.

But.. I have regained something else.. 

Something I lost very long ago..

Something so utterly awesome and utterly un-me, that if you knew me from 6months --nay, make that 1month!-- back, you wouldn't have believed it possible.

What is it?

The skill of taking a shower and having a meal within 30mins (each)! 

A year on

Dear Me, I've chosen EVERYthing over ONE thing, in the hope that eventually I walk away with more than NOthing. Bad play on words, but that is really how I feel. I like a challenge only when the other challenger is visibly weaker than myself. But all that is about to change. Here is the biggest challenge of all, with the one opponent worthy ONLY (in both sense of the word) of myself. If somebody else shld eventually benefit from this pursuit, so be it, good for him/her/them. You should now leaarn that I never meant so. Welcome to the jungle, baby!

can't think of a title

today is one of those days where I can't do nothing yet can't quit trying

Can't sleep can't sit can't walk can't talk can't think can't stop 

Just want to vomit my innards out then lay down and die

I just want to cease to exist

I also want to punctuate my sentences but really I'm not capable of that too 

Still chuckling

Well, well (are you reading this dy?), OK! Obi Kenobi's kind of a geezer. 



2008 in review
The amount of goodwill I abused in 2008 was staggering. from to the second to the very last day. If karma runs true, I have quite a bit coming in for me. Have to sort this out. 

It was also a reckless year. Not in the life-is-short-so-I'll-do-whatever-I-want kind of reckless, but in the my-life-is-a-mess-but-I-don't-give-a-fuck kind of reckless.

I spent a large part of the year moping in self-induced misery and hesitant over my choices. and as I sought advice on what to do with my life, I realised that the answers will really have to come from within, but kept and will keep asking the questions anyway. 

I met some amazing people.

You have no idea what kind of blow I am dealt when I meet people who misinterpret my attempts at humour. So people who understand me are amazing people. 

I was relieved to find I missed the house.

I am ashamed to have heard this more than once, 'You have to understand what you are doing,' A year ago, I would never have to have that said to me. Not more than once, anyway. 

My tutors are awesome, period. Also amazing people. 

I am still bitter over having screwed up the first sem

-------------------------------------------------------------

Bought a Grammy Nominees compilation lately, something from a decade back, 

Vying for Record of the Year, Best New Artist and Best Male Pop Performance in 1999 were these songs,

Record of the Year - The Boy is Mine, My Heart Will Go On, Iris, Ray of Light, You're Still the One, 
Best New Artist - Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Amor Ti Vieta, Wide Open Spaces, Doo Wop (That Thing), Torn
Best Male Pop Performance - Save Tonight, My Father's Eyes, Anytime, Lullaby, You Were Meant for Me

Throwback to even earlier times: I miss the days of listening to 'When the Saints Go Marching In' on the My First Encyclopedia, playing MindMaze on that Windows 95 machine (or was it Win98?). Life was as easy as skipping thru the entries; if I didn't like some topic, I simply saved it for another day, maybe never. 

Am going home now, after a freezing night in school.