Priorities

This morning I woke to great lethargy, having spent the night before exhausted but reluctant to sleep. I had spent the hour before sleep ruminating about a particular fear of the opposite sex. 

During breakfast I found about an interesting workshop. But if taken up, this activity would require 5days and have me gasping for breath in the coming week and possibly the weeks after. But it'd be good for my FYP, and actually related to my course. And, what is a bit of cramping?

I made a decision there and then to go right away. I changed, brushed my teeth and made an Uber booking on my first ride promo code. I congratulated myself on the slickness of it all.

Saturday is an untouchable day, reserved for erhu. I'd promised to turn up for erhu class today, but this was more important! I think I could do that erhu exam in the time left. So reaching the activity venue 

And then someone asked me, so, you went to such lengths to come here, what do you want to get out of this? And truth be told I'd forgotten. I'd remember my earlier ambition in a bit, 

And it's the way with everything in my life isn't it. Even this blog is an example. Of wanting to write succinctly, showing promise and then never quite delivering.

I go to great lengths to secure a certain future but don't go all the way at the right time because I don't know how to get support and because I naively believe 'the truth will surface'. And then I can't admit/express the lengths I went because I can't feel my own pain and then I suffer after from the trauma of the unexpressed. 

Because, really, only I know how hard I cried/cry and how much I tried. You will tell me that I don't have situational awareness but you, of all people, should admit that you would rather see that I have. I wish you'd told me earlier that I could 'do everything'. Why did you have to keep something like that to yourself? You knew I wanted your attention but was certain/afraid I'd abuse it. And so I tried to tell you in different ways: I'm not the person they (from everywhere) says I am. You were afraid (and possibly still afraid) that I'll implicate you intentionally, (and so you chose to be hard/hearted rather be than be honest). This isn't the tell-it-all that you feared; I don't know enough about you. Of course this is going to hurt your feelings at some point. And when it does I'm going to be the one blamed. But I took this into account too back when I chose you. But you can't see that. You literally can't believe how smart I am. 

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Rant

I'm sorry I promised you things I didn't have the guts to deliver.

And that's not all. 

I'm sorry that my last turn pretending to be a furry pet was also spent feeling sad for you.

I'm sorry I declared, before I knew what I was doing, that I wanted to sit forever with you. 

I had trust issues with every existing human and I'm sorry I kept you waiting while I took my time to trust you. 

Your woes become known to the second largest mouth in Nandai (the first place is taken already -- it's a revolving post). What did you think she was going to do with it?? I'm sorry I allowed my professional role model to be stupid. 

Why do you persist in a cycle of half-knowing, acting/not-acting, then regretting when a fuller story appears? Why does it seem as if everyone knows what you think of me, and everyone has a say, everyone except me...?

......

On an entirely separate note, I hope Auntie's feeling comfortable.

It's possible your perverse preference for pleasure mixed with pain finds this a turn-on and I melt under your smile the next time we meet. It's also possible you grow utterly enraged or ignore me and I cry buckets. Or you could just shrug this off as a child's tantrum. 

*there are those who think my chattiness and well-wishing is out of character/insincere. Well, fuck them. They don't know me outside of this bubble. It doesn't matter. You on the other hand can have informants in and out of Nandai and still understand fuck. Why? Because you never ask me! And I don't know what you don't know

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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bLBSoC_2IY8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 

This is my current favourite video. I want to be consumed like that and at the same time it's a sensation I'm afraid to seek out. I definitely want to be free like that. 

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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qX2GsMj7154" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

At dinner today we got to talking. It started with the quarter-life crisis, and moved predictably into not knowing what to do with life, and how to possibly get to knowing it. I did more listening than talking -- not because silence is golden but because on some days the intensity of conversations just can't match my ego. With reference to the adage that asks what you'd change about your life and connects your reply to your deepest desires, I said near the end of the evening that I was happy with how I'd led my life in the past one, two years. I repeated this (with a similar level of smugness) to an ex-schoolmate on my way home. When I reached home I felt terrible. 

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Written the night before and unfinished, the above stemmed from a bout of self-loathing that almost went undetected. Luckily I woke this morning and recognised that I had had mixed feelings, as usual, and there wasn't a need to feel guilty over the 'bad' feelings. Sometimes in unravelling complex feelings, I have to grasp again and again at gossamer. By right this should make me thankful for when feelings are/become straightforward and undeniable. But by left those feelings that won't stay hidden seem to be the ones that must stay unexpressed.

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Look how far we've come

我没有要求现状维持不变。如果未来就只有这一切看起来很unappetizing leh。

我要的stability不是原地踏步，而是心灵的稳重、踏实度。

换我来说：看啦！问不就知道？

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tough enough to lean on

Back in Jan 2012 I read 7 habits of highly effective people for the first time. inspired by the book, I wrote the following mission statement, and committed to visiting it daily: 

I will not be arrogant
I will do as much as I can
I want to be someone people feel safe and inspired with. Safe, not dull. Safe to share ideas with, but not to diss with. Safe to begin thinking you can fly.
I will take special care to not manipulate people. I will lay my motives and intentions bare when asked, but not when I suspect I will be made use of. for this, I will give the widest berth. You will have one chance to bite me. I give that to you.
I will give credit where due.
I will defend those who are not around.
I will grow my knowledge of and participation in 'industry, commerce, and enterprise' because to do so is to honour and acknowledge those who have been in my life.

My stance on this statement did not stay static. I tired of its length, complained about its 'tend[ing] towards... servitude', and even expressed repulsion. I made my last edit in the 14th month and later moved on to other guiding systems.

I come to this point because a colleague tells me I am naive and ignorant of the trappings of this world. In the same space, another colleague agreed, and thought it was my upbringing that led to it. I struggled to express that being innocent is a choice. But 'nature/nurture?' is besides the point. 

Rereading my original mission statement from 2012 made me realise how important the statement is to me -- I still try to keep the deal today in 2015 even after I've stopped referring to the statement. Those are actions I care about taking. I watch for arrogance and intention and keep things neutral when talking about deeds. What gets to me is that I have not been living the lines in a way that is sustainable, that does not support myself or the people around me. I seem to have lived them in a kind of theoretical mode, without consideration for practical issues. 

And so I'd like to do no evil and be seen as strong for that. not weak. 

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I like you, all of you. The you I've met, the you's that existed before I stepped into the picture and the you's that will come to be. I wish my presence to give you freedom to be who you want to be, not pressure to be some souped-up superhuman tireless and incapable of error. Your stories I want to hear, not judge.