Where do I start?

Even if one is not an actual immigrant or expatriate, it is still possible to think as one, to imagine and investigate in spite of barriers, and always to move away from the centralising authorities towards the margins, where you see things that are usually lost on minds that have never travelled beyond the conventional and the comfortable.

- Edward Said, in the third Reith Lecture in the 'Representations of the Intellectual' series

In my moments of clarity, I lament that I haven't been able to respond to the heeding of my tutors (as I will now call anyone who has taught me something, because teacher is reserved for the ones who have earned a living from being in the same classroom with me) to take leave of my comfort zone.

I started reading to have everyone leave me alone. Now that I have succeeded, and constantly bask in my isolation, what do I read for? 

There are (to me) new forms of literature that are intimidating, because of the nuances in thought they present I haven't been able to detect on my own, and also that require nothing less than total concentration on my part and at the same time revealing, because they allow me to reflect on my and (what I perceive to be) the writer's own patterns of thinking and doing. When I succeed in immersing myself in the texts, I am delighted to find another world, one which I never noticed, and the wonder I feel is usually sufficient impetus to read on. The questions of why couldn't you do this too? will surface, more often than not. <- is this the mark of the ignoramus? the lack of appreciation for the context that propelled these works, and, too, the lack of awareness of limits to one's abilities? For the works of giants, with their elegant prose that frame their ideas so well, that they produced in their youth, I am unable to read without guilt. I am also unable to read them when I cannot focus. 

It is said that the Great look at the people better than themselves and ask how they may close the gap while the Destructive magnify the differences and despair that they should ever reach the same heights, then wallow in self-pity.

Enjoy, if you can

I have seen the future, and boy is it bleak.

After lingering on the the Students At-Risk list year in, year out, I am finally fulfilling my innate potential and dropping out of school entirely.

I am going to take up a salesgirl position, settle down with a beng who takes a fancy to me complain to my 1.3 children about their father. complain to anyone who would listen about how could I have married for money. which I might, but will actually be unlikely to do so because I do not have the attributes of a Trophy Wife. My children and husband will complain to their colleagues and friends and each other about the bland food their mother prepares. I will either grow fatter or be further reduced to skin and bones. I will try not to practice favouritism among my kids. and every year or dinner regale them with the same tales of how I used to have teachers who were the nephews of Minister so-an-so, how Singapore used to be so simple, without the inflammatory bloggers and the casinos, of the sacrifice I made for the family in leaving the workforce when my 1.3 children popped out (but I would not try to find a job, because I have 'lost touch'), and some other made-up tales. My husband will feel neglected, wonder where the woman he married disappeared to, and he ultimately betrays me when the 7 year itch presents itself. If I find out, I will pretend to not see it. And if confrontation becomes inevitable? Well, I will end my life, to quicken the process of writing of this entry. Fine.

I am entering the nameless masses, will be floundering in the sewers, and living the rest of my life out as a statistic in the bell curve my high school Chem teacher went on and on about. One life, live it.

I have been down in the dumps for a night and a half. Let me get back to work, please.

Third session.

today was my third counselling session. Some things that we went thru:

The thoughts I want to have on my deathbed: 

1. I did what I could.
   
2. I made wise decisions.
   
3. I helped people.
   
4. If I have any properties, that they are taken care of.
   
5. My family is healthy.
   

Every moment now, every path I choose to take, does it take me a little closer to my goals? 

e.g. what can I do today? 

• Buy takeaway lunch snack for a friend
  
• Continue revision
  

also what can I today to remind myself of my deathbed wishes? 

But you know, if I were to choose to die right after a particularly spectacular day, everything would be fulfilled. How awesome!

When is enough enough? I can't recall what the Dr said. 

it was essentially another person's take on the same issues that I have went thru with myself before.

that if I wish to get to my best, or simply better, I must first acknowledge my progress. or else never cross the chasm. 

anyway, my own steps were these: how to get the motivation to continue? think about what comes next. what are the steps involved? break it down man! Rome wasn't build in a day. don't be overwhelmed. 
oh and take your fucking medication. 

added: I can't believe I forgot to enter this the first time round. I have a real problem with responsibility. I evade it like there's no tomorrow. Apparently this is the reason why I choose to surf aimlessly instead of continuing with revision. and it's pretty accurate I think. Never made this link, on my own. Hmmm.

so. happiness was when the desire to be away was fulfilled.

in my first counselling session, I was asked in a 'phải không?' way (after admitting that my depression had been around in lower sec, I think), so you've never been happy? And I answered, rather defensively, that I thought I'd been happy when I was in school. which was what I'd always thought to be so.

But after the qn was asked, when I was answering the qn, after I left the room, it sunk in. that while I'd known right from the first day of school even, that school was where I could be kept from the house, for the 'right' reasons, I'd also known/learnt that my happiness was and could only be temporal, and that was why I sought so desperately to prolong these periods of hạnh phúc, wasn't it? but I could stave off the pain, pretty easily. I just had to be away from anyone in the family. the steps that grew heavy when I reached the condo compound were also lighter the moment I stepped out of the door. 

It's different now; Happiness no longer arrives by virtue of location. It has become something I have to actively chase. without leads. and I am so tired of it. The moment I stop feeling wonder (the only antidote gần dây), the emptiness rings loud and hollow. I cannot feel much. the people around me today, I do not care if they care or not. I cannot understand many of their aspirations, I cannot understand why CAP 5.0 matters. sure Dean's List is nice. but does it mean anything, can it give me what I want? what is it that I want, anyway? The universe will give me anything I want, if I want it bad enough. Will it condemn me because I don't know what I want. Or if I just want to -- you know it,

bleah

I just gave my most insipid/muddled presentation ever. Thus ending my involvement in my second group project this sem. There were my usual HUGE issues with punctuality and empty promises. How do people put up with me?? Seriously!!

My labels have lost their colours again!