[140701: 6月23日那天想法特别多没注意到。隔一天再念稿时就有惊愕到。 或许我要的一切就在指尖。]

...time unfreezes for Song-yi and Hwi-kyung. She senses strangeness, though, and wonders what just happened. She tells Hwi-kyung that up until a second ago she was going to give him a yes—that she was willing to call her fondness for him love and go with the easier path. It's what her parents would have wanted, and it would have been comfortable to accept Hwi-kyung's love (and his chaebol riches).  

"But I'm really sorry," she says. "In only a second my mind changed. I can't do that."

--You from another star Episode 7. recap by Dramabeans

只求一字：安。

In Genting
Watched _Battle of Wits_ last night and _Casino Royale_ this afternoon
Before today, I'd never watched a Bond film full length, would you believe it? My mother was adamant that no Bond film was appropriate for a children. And my brother in all of his eleven years gets to watch it. But no matter, he failed to understand the movie. No comments on that. Anyways, I shall read Ian Fleming's novels soon. 007 is quite a fellow.
In Daniel Craig's Casino Royale, James Bond starts off different, his tastes are not yet ? or refined!/defined/specialised. At the film's beginning, Bond has not achieved double O status.
or the film starts before Bond became 007. Nor has he become a womaniser. I liked this film alot.
I am trying to spell out the reasons why. The critics didn't like it, but I really did, I loved the Bond Craig played. Maybe because I love the British.
I loved it the way he was shown to be impossibly humane. He made mistakes and not just one or a handful, but he turned out fine didn't he?
_Battle of Wits_ and Casino Royale_ had their similarities. The main character's love interest in both stories died watery deaths. which I find scary. I think/suspect I am teeny weeny bit claustrophobic. Water closing in on me, And apparently you look awful too/die ugly too bodies that resurface are bloated and purplish.
Both main characters were smart and physically abled definitely! But while the Maozi (Maoist?) Liu ____ (he eventually became a pacifist and followed the school of thought he was born into, but not before unleashing one last torrent of terror which wasn't very humane actually, but definitely, for want of a better word, smart) turned to love, Bond grew ruthless I think, into the way he was originally, before he may [Vesper], but in a hardened way now. He was actually jealous while with []! He said, 'it's time you took off the necklace'. Both men were brilliant and the women that fell in love with them if not because of that then at least a bit of their adoration must be credited to that. They (more specifically, the Maoist) made me think again what consistently a genius. Not what makes one or the emotional strength or the heartware. But the hardware if you like. It's the cold hard brilliance/intelligence I adore. I am enamoured with talent. But I am afraid it's not healthy. Actually, am I? Perhaps I could adjust my 'meter' such that I fall head over heels for only the minds of rocket science abilities. I think this may not work. I believe wholeheartedly that everyone is a genius or are incredibly talented mentally. I really do. But they haven't found out. And I am scared that they will realise their powers one day. I am worried that the powers they exhibit will far exceed mine.

至所有的你

140601
要知道一个人生的旅程没有真正的起点。一个事件的后患是无止的。这个时刻有万数的缘串在一起。之前是这样。往后也会是这样。谁能看透？说能彻底解读未来的人都是骗你的。
虽然嘴边老挂着慈悲的理，我本来就不轻易相信人。 所以就别再自责了。

The sapience of greater freedom

Work accomplished = time spent * intensity

Of course. I subscribe to this formula wholesale. It's why standards are for chumps. (i can't tell people that. You don't get away with saying such stuff when you aren't an overachiever.)

But intensity is mercurial. Sometimes it comes easily and stays for long. Then it leaves one day without notice, taking all your shared memories and you wonder later if it was all a dream. I found this out in my first year of college when I couldn't wrap my mind around math concepts that'd fascinated me a year before, and got put on academic probation. I tried to recreate the conditions that'd led me to choose maths in the first place but it didn't work -- and I flunked out.

I've come to grudgingly accept that we are creatures of habit and the surest way to the Zone is rituals. So I've got all these little things I do to get myself functioning. I spend time tweaking this checklist. It's like aligning all the ferreromagnets in my head. But it's very possible to get lost in the rituals. That's when all the magnets spin wildly. At some point I remember with a start, in the middle of nowhere, what the todos were about and then start all over again aligning the magnets one by one.

From time to time I wonder if anyone lives as painstakingly as I do [140630: I blush when I read this now, 2.5 months later]. There are. It's the choice we make for greater freedom. And it need not be a burden. I think I am rediscovering that the key to sustained intensity is joy.

Feliciter Anon

Every post on Craigslist is heartwrenching. even the ones that scale higher up Maslow's triangle. okay. hierarchy.

These are my favourites from today's trawl:

I'll match you

tall(er than me). music? check. reads? check. funny? check. at home indoors and outdoors. swoon now. 

Pretenses DESTROYED

not just destroyed. DESTROYED okay. have I mentioned my intense feelings about the word 'like-minded'? overused from a pentatrillion months ago. I want to reply just to see who's behind this very familiar ego and style

A skill for a skill

brownie points for the endeavour. good boy. 

how wondrous it should be that this world gives me just what I ask for

chocolates to satiate

space to build an abode

conditions to test resolve

distortions to practice clarity

14 March. 15 March complete

Thoughts seep out of us in writing, in aether, in salt water. If you could see your own transparency and i could remember mine, would you posture?  Would i still hold back?

Things you already knew about me

1. I am not immune to flattery

2. My plans don't stick

3. I am fucking serious about being serious

4. I am deathly funny

5. I expect too much of you, but

6. I don't actually trust you 

Make it big

we'll help you make a movie
we'll help you make a business
we'll help you make music

we'll help you make a family
we'll help you make a corp
we'll help you make art

we'll help you make it big
we want you to make it big
we beg you to make it big

please please pretty please make it big

Welcome to the rest of your life

[This is the original emoting post]

人生际遇千百种 但愿知心常相守

In June I had a firmer grasp than usual of the nuances in human emotions. I saw and heard in twisted forms the yearning that underpins possibly all our interactions. At sight it's a wily creature turning up here and there. Smugness that turns into dismay, frustration with laughter added for deprecation, ...

my cousin once wrote that as she grew older, she came to the inevitable, heartbreaking (to my aunt) conclusion that even parents can be wrong. And that is the crazy balance to walk; keeping respect + healthy disrespect, and saying no. Unreservedly, but without revulsion --because the people closest to you don't know better. Steve Jobs warned about being 'trapped by dogma'. 

8 October 2012

Last Tues, I woke up hungry. Hunger disappeared and returned in full force.

I sat at the desk, ready to begin tying the loose ends. At nightfall, I'd completed nothing. A week later, it is the same. Almost. In reverse chronological order: 

• took a taxi once. because I couldn't abide by my schedule
• forced rewrote a bad superblock
• corrected vibrato
• bought a typewriter to produce namecards
• gained understanding about why my mind wanders and how to control it
• overcame a lifelong internal struggle on the ethics and rewards of looking good
• start and stopped on the structuring 
• took newfound pride in my handwriting

Blogaday Day 11 How to keep awake at your desk

In no order of effectiveness

• Munch on an apple
• Drink something icy
• Pop a candy
• Eavesdrop
• Take a power nap
• Hum to a tune
• Drum your fingers
• Tap your feet
• Thump the desk
• Get every passerby to strike your cubicle wall. preferably til the wall fabric tears

Blogaday Day 10

I've been waiting for this!

Blogaday Day 9

My intention today was to assure that i'd not mindlessly accomodated, nor cloned, and had checked back at suitable intervals and unyieldingly asked the necessary questions. I'm not sure if an iota of that went through.

Update: Ah bless that arrogant imp in me. I'd neglected the all-important question. Will you be worth my time?

Blogaday Day 8

I bit into a rotten apple today

Blogaday Day 6

I lost my toothbrush! It could be anywhere!

Blogaday Day 5

Deep breathing is so hard. Is it cos my belly has grown so big my diaphragm can't support it?

Blogaday Day 4

http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html

'Acros the generations, I see that people can't get enough of each other, if and only if they can have each other at a distance, in amounts they can control. I call it the Goldilocks effect: not too close, not too far, just right.'

Blogaday Day 3

Apr 2 13:07

I place great weight on a person's ability to separate opinion from fact. 

Let me ramble a bit on this. Imagine if you will me telling you , I saw a dog being killed. Without more information on the context, can you pass judgement of any sort? Yes, you may. From my emotions from my expression. from our shared history (chats, encounters, SHARED) you may have gleaned something about me. But let's remove that. remove all traces of me. let's say this was over that chat program you can chat with anons. 
'I saw a dog being killed.' 
Where? at the butcher or the vet
Again removing all traces with me, of the actors, we may use this new piece of information to surmise (correct? was there evidence?) that the act of killing was good or bad for the dog. But even with this conclusion, you should ever hold within yourself (given limited interaction on all rounds) the probability that it may have been the other way round. Was the butcher or vet brutal? Who were the beneficiaries here? Who said anything about the butcher or the vet being the one who laid the hand? Could they have been the audience?

I am told Buddhists release animals in captivity on Vesak Day as an act of mercy and kindness and probably to earn merit for the afterlife. Let's say we have doves which were bred for such an act. So they really are domestic doves. If I were to buy a domestic dove and release it before a crowd of 100 Buddhists. I presumably become a kind person to them. If on Vesak Day, I released a dove that had been captured from the wild by a neighbour only the day before. And some animal rights activist saw me. I presumably become ignominiously selfish in his eye.
Fact: I released a dove from captivity on Vesak Day.
Opinion: I am a kind and merciful person. I led a defenseless dove to its early and unwarranted death.

The dangers of always resorting / returning to grey areas is obvious -- how else will we make a decision if there is always something pulling us in the both directions? You get accused of sitting on the fence. But that is what the context is about. Depending on the context, with the given information, you make a decision, a choice. The path you choose for yourself may differ from the path you would set for another person, if only you had that other choice or influence (but thankfully you don't and never should have that kind of dictatorial -- brings to mind the old Malay kingdoms. I forgot the word).

Blogaday Day 2 Flipflopbellywop

Decisiveness is a prized attribute.

You may decide, without knowing it, to dislike someone at first glance.

Instincts can be explained as decisions sped up. Just as we may not initially have words to describe how facial features differ, but are able to eventually observe and describe the tilt of the eyes, the protrusion of the lips, and the knob of the nose, if we were to slow our feelings down frame by frame, we could explain why we felt how we felt the moment we felt what we felt.

But instincts are habits too, and they may be, should be arrested before they wreak havoc.

When is it right to honour split-second decisions, and when to make careful, balanced decisions?

If, by choice or circumstance, you do not detail your decisions, on whom does the burden of explanation fall? Is anyone listening?