天昏地暗

//[26NOV2019 0632hrs] publication date reflects when this post was written and sent to Blogger's draft folder

突然之间 心又碎了几下 有谁可以告诉我 一切即将okay 只是现在 amygdala 太好动

on best friends

when I was younger I wanted a best friend more than anything. I read sweet valley, full house, animal ark, disney girls, stories where friends who grew up together got together to do stuff, just because. communication in those stories seemed painless, and if anything got too much to handle, the friends would band together against some drama-mama; friends always grokked each other, quirks and all. that's how it was on tv too, the tv I watched. you were either on the main lead's side or you weren't. information transfer and explanations didn't take more than one scene. and I think that's how I learned to treat reality. one-dimensional. i hoped and expected to be loved just like that, and was devastated when that didn't happen, but wasn't aware enough to know my emotions on it, or why my behaviour did not facilitate friend-making.

in primary three we took tests for the gifted programme. on the day of the maths test, I left early so I could visit my then-best friend's home. I remember that everything she and her family members said was side-splittingly funny, in a way that was foreign to me. in upper primary, we went to different classes, where she had another best friend. for some months the three of us exchanged letters to each other, addressing each other by our horoscope signs. I was quite proud of my sign-off signature (which if I recall right had been discussed with my tutor and neighbour/family friend I grew up taking overseas trips with) and I suspect maybe that the sign-off was what I looked forward to most each time I wrote. I got a new default friend too, and on teachers' contact times, we went on trips to the grass field, where I collected weed samples to match what I'd read in zooed, and enid blyton (cupid's shaving grass, lalang = dandelion, four leaf clovers).

I remember laughing with people, but as I grew, the intimacy and candour I craved were ever more out of reach (was it because my friends grew more than my 1D POV of them allowed?) until one day I realised I was tired of trying. I still couldn't see what was happening. or maybe I could but deep down inside didn't want friends. strangers were easy because I wasn't going to see them again. but there is always baggage to be dealt with for people you keep in your life. 

and then it was JB who told me she'd found a best friend herself. and a way to make friends: talk to different people about different things. that meant giving up the myth that there was a someone who could understand you, whenever, wherever.

and now, I don't know how this post ends. 

the German girl on Ubin (140430)

hey. i saw your effigy, that Barbie doll, in the yellow hut with multi-coloured flags from the roof. yesterday was your birthday, he said, but they'd been busy. your follower says you're now a deity who takes the form of a beautiful chofah and you use your wings to ward against black magic. that's mastery. near your altar are offerings of dolls, perfumes, the pink masses in toy stores. surely you must have grown in the last hundred years? next year, I'll return with something different -- but what could a god want?

Edit [26NOV2019] I visited this place again this year, and at the expense of / ate into the class coming up at the same time. There is something strange about emotions, expression and expectations, the connection of it all. I have been having the loopiest, and times*. I wish I could sit and be calm, and take it all in. Like one of those things you know, trusted content from someone who turns out to not have made a good decision at some point in time (like a whitelist which couldn't detect a failure, because, well, one of the screws in the cog or the the points actually failed herself/himself. A venerable once taught that Mara, is also a position. But, I dont know. Why go there at all? -- statements meant to be taken at a mixture of metaphorical and face value. The HTML editor screwed up a previous perfect sentence I was typing out an arrow/bracket and I've gotten kinda pissed/exasperated with typing. Moving on for now, until the sentence strikes again in its perfect entity, shape with a shiny glowing halo and wings. the point halfway thru, was that why go there at all has at least two meanings, both of which I mean, and one meaning which i don't mean -- why go there at all, in the sense that why do we have to go on to make the mistakes we make, or why do even approach Mara -- actually, I have forgotten the two very sensible non-partisan points i was making. Forget it. there. this is how you screw up a perfectly short, sweet, KISSable post with a backdrop of noises, and even this sounds like blame-pushing now.

*there's a track or something that sounds like a rooster's morning crow of sorts, and my legs have been having an swirly air feeling. There was a transportation of self to the memories of meditation or camps. Before that, there had been a translation of another sort. So. ya. 

**think the song 'Bad day' and Dido's 'Thank you'.

140228 Imitating Jesus and Socrates

In his systematic quest for moral perfection Benjamin Franklin chose 13 'necessary or desirable' virtues to live by for the rest of his life.  and concentrated on

I have been living by Franklin's 13 virtues for the past year. A virtue a week, and four cycles so far. 

I listed each flouting for all of five weeks before deciding that was too much administrative work to continue for the long-term. 

I have had to 

Why can't I be happy with who I am? I don't have a ready reply for those. You will find that better discussed elsewhere. 

131124

I've been reflecting on my film journey the past few days. why and how I got started, the recent decisions made, and the people past. It started from during A's when I sneaked out to catch Paprika. after that I was finally free to leave home on my own and sought places to go. I caught Singapore Dreaming, listened to soundtracks and got a ticketing job at a cinema, maybe not in that order. I worked on Red Dragonflies and watched White Days. I saw people edit their dreams in dark rooms, I saw assignments being compiled on screen. I read online. always, I feared myself. I see the chances I missed but I also accept why.

140209 who was I angsty about this time?

I can't handle people, you know?

I can't handle the stuff you say. I can't handle the stuff you don't say. 

I can't handle all the yesterdays you cradle to your womb and stab yourself with. I read it, but I'm paralysed. If I react, what would I say? I can't act quick enough to reassure you.

I can't handle the lies you insist on telling and then believing

140309

expired medicine
i intensely dislike going to the doctor's. i put off going until the ailment's unbearable. at the doctor's i freeze, grin by default and am almost always unable to remember my present discomfort. this means i can't explain why i am at the doctor's. which means the doctor gets annoyed and when i step out i end up feeling belittled and even more reluctant to visit the doctor
at the root of all these is the inability to recognize

may i have the wisdom to know the difference

Blogaday Day 12 (120918?)

Can we suspend time and live for ever as we do now?

I have overcome my stutter

I have found things I am good at without trying too hard (people seem genuinely taken aback when I sing)

I have finally understood the concept of priorities

Must. Get. It. Back. (090618)

For the first time in a month, I am slept before 3am.
Last night, I slept thru a succession of 6 alarms

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies (090309)

有些無聲話語只有尋夢的人彼此聼得到。 ——陳昇

I watched White Days on the night of my previous entry. In fact, I wrote the post as the Q&A was taking place. As noted by some people in the audience, I roared with laughter throughout much of the film, even when no one else so much as grinned. 

The synopsis is a thing of beauty. 

080520

woah weee wha-- womp whamp whack wooooooooooo what the hell, who cares??

Am typing this here, 'cos my way to Blogger's been blocked
('Nooooooooooooo...') on pc at home. Here's what appeared in black and
bold, 'Access to the requested URL has been blocked.' It says I can't
change the settings somewhere, but I really can't be bothered to. It's
not as if the computer I am using now is the only one which I have
access to. *Blows a big fat raspberry* You lose, Father!

I'll store this later piece in my super duper BIG Inbox, and we'll see
how many I can accumulate at the end the day. The New York Times is
the only 'person' I get mail from, so there's tons of space in here.

As we all know already, Prelims are starting in just TWO days time,
and as Mr Soh might say, 'How exciting!' Ms Tan is panicky about the
standard of our England essays, dear Jiang Li is obviously exasperated
and at her wits' end about how to deal with my Chinese (unfortunately,
so am I), Ms Yew's worried about our Mathematics, Ms Chia doesn't seem
very sure either, but Mdm Mak and Mdm Mak alone seems as calm as ever.
Exciting indeed. Nothing to be said about Ms Ong and Mr Soh, because I
can't really be bothered as yet with my two Sciences.

My, I've run out of things already to type about. There's something
about the keyboard that takes something out of writing.

Oh have I mentioned before that I am totally sick of Kai Ting??
She's been harping for so freaking long on my verbal usage of English
that I am so freaking SICK of it! And her!
Yesterday, before my turn during EL Oral. She struck again!!
'Hui Min, can you PLEASE stop speaking with an accent?'
As I was pissed and bored, I said,
'For your information, and I beg you remember it for life, (Well, I
didn't actually say that, but I wish I had)' I am not speaking with an
accent. I just happen to pronounce my word endings.'
It was utter rubbish of course, because everyone, including Mrs Foo
See Wee Ee Wah Lao Go And Die Lah speaks with an accent. Anything that
comes out of your mouth is accompanied by your accent. If you think
you speak without an accent, you probably can't speak in the first
place.
I sat back and waited for someone to point that glaring error out,
and, hopefully, provide some fodder for discussion, but no one did.
Disappointing. Even though I misled those listening, it was still
worth seeing KT stunned. I should really refrain from, or just stop
talking to her entirely, because I can't stop making fun of her. And
you know what's worse? I don't even know why I enjoy making fun of her
so much! I'd feel really guilty if I one day manage to goad someone
into crying. Even though, it'd be quite an accomplishment I am sure,
nobody deserves to be hurt emotionally.
So, I must get to the root of my sport. Knowing your own reaction to
something or someone sorta demystyfies and obviously makes sense of
your reaction. To use myself as an example, knowing what exactly it is
about a guy's features that makes you tick makes those guys you
thought were hot, just ordinary now. Suddenly, almost every male you
know and have seen before looks plain. Luckily or not, things don't
always work this way, and some people remain as much a mystery as
before. Or perhaps even more so, because they are a such a rare
exception, and you don't know why the view you hold of them may waver
and sway, but never change overall.

Guilessly,
Yours truly

140825

Remember this day. don't live in a daze any longer.